Lost my gay virginity yesterday and it was a really horrific experience (nsfw)

So I just need to share this somewhere and have nobody irl I can possibly talk to about it. Hopefully it doesn't go against community guidelinesI've been single for two years (now 21 and all previous relationships with women) and recently left uni, so I've been left in a situation where all my friends are gone and I don't have anyone in my troupe. I've just... I've been really lonely, so in lieu of a real relationship I decided to go on a hookup site and meet up with someone. The idea was to have a connection with someone, even if just brief and physical.Anyway, that's what I did. I met with a guy and... I wasn't exactly raped, but it wasn't good. He was really aggressive and I wanted to stop immediately, but I didn't say anything because I wanted him to like me and needed to feel 'loved'. I won't go into too much detail because I don't want to turn this into a port post, but after a relatively nice start he proceeded to 'face fuck' me, pushing my head all the way down to his base (and he was a really big guy. I didn't measure him obviously but I know what size and he had a good inch on me). The idea of someone possibly getting off to this is upsetting so I regret using that language, yet I really feel like I have to tell someone about what happened. I was sick during the bit I described, but he just passed me something to swipe myself and then thrust back in. It was awful and feeling him deep in my throat was not pleasant. The actual sex was really painful. He was rough, I had to bite the covers and at times struggled to stay conscious due to the pain. He kept hitting a certain point inside me, quite deep in, that really agonised. The area is still uncomfortable now a day later.He didn't use protection, which I know is stupid but again I just really wanted to feel like someone appreciated me and didn't want to let him down. I get called attractive a lot but nothing beyond that.Afterwards he let me get a shower and I left. It wasn't rape as I say, because I feel like he would have probably stopped if I asked him to (though I'm not 100%) and I didn't ask so it doesn't matter anyway. I just feel really bad now, physically and emotionally. I feel worthless. There's also the issue that I didn't enjoy it at all, and that's made me really worry whether I can even have a relationship. My time with girls failed because I was never that interested and the sex was awkward at best, but this was physically horrific. Even if I loved the guy that would've hurt, so it's not down to the emotional side of things. I think I'm probably better staying alone. I want someone, yet I really don't like anal (it turns out), and the whole experience has somewhat put me off. I don't even know if I can call myself gay anymore, as the thought of guys makes me more frightened than horny.Sorry this is long and I understand if you didn't read it. Hopefully it doesn't get deleted, but if it does I get that too. I just don't have someone to talk to and posting this here let's me get it off my chest, even if the only person to read it is a moderator.Enjoy your day x.