Closested Woe

It's funny, a few years ago I thought being closeted was the easiest way for me to go, no pain if no one knows right? No. It pains me so much. I have no one to know and ease the pain I struggle through daily. Know one to talk to about how empty and said I feel at times. It feels wrong keeping everything inside, but having no one to talk to about it makes me even more depressed. Sure I have friends but none of them truly know the pain. The pain of being "different" based on something as insignificant as who I watched to lie in bed with at night. The pain of all of my family casting me into the dark because of it. It's sad to say, but some days I wish I was just normal. And some days I am proud to be this way. But God damn it I just wanna be loved and respected like a normal human being. I don't want to feel so disconnected from everyone over such a bullshit and inhumane reason to be looked down on. I just want to live my life with another man by my side. But it seems as if the whole world is against me. Some days I come this close to packing my bags and leaving without a word. Off to somewhere new. To be the person I want to be. I don't care about the people who love me when I am in that state. It makes me feel selfish and even worse. It's a never ending cycle of being letdown and scared of what the present and future holds in store for me. And I know I can't do this alone anymore. I need someone to ease the pain, but I am to afraid.