Where is the it gets better, and when ?

I don’t know if it belongs here or not either way I’m gonna post it. I Throw a little party to my friends ( which in one I’m in love with) and now I’m literally crying. He Kissed me, hugged me held my hands, everything I do is to make him happy. He Said he’s not gay but then why screw with my heart, it fucking hurts, he knows how fucking lonely I am and still doing this. Oh yeah did I mention my fucking homophobic family starting to find out that their only son is gay.. in my 22 years I feel like I’m done, I’ve never been this low in life.. only way I can “live a gay life” is trough YouTube, watching other couples. This is how fucking pathetic I became crying myself to sleep every night hoping I won’t wake up the next day. How does one live like this ? How can I stop it. Oh and the best part is, I have to pretend in front of everyone that everything is okay put on that fucking mask over and over. What’s the point in all of this? I’m trying to be happy and at the and I’ll get more depressed then I was before. I want to just fucking scream and walk away.