"Impossible" Lovers

Dear Future Self, those who chose to listen and Impossible Lovers, or those who have been told their love is not right,Know you are NEVER alone and that these emotions you feel ARE right. Be as vulnerable as you want to be. Be yourself and speak your mind. So why am I speaking mine?It’s because today I’m not feeling well.Today has been the hardest since I finally dragged myself begging and screaming out of the closet. Tonight I am to go out with friends on what should be an interesting fun and enjoyable night.But why won’t I?It’s simply because I don’t want to. Not because I don’t like the people, location, a great glass of gin or dancing. Under any circumstance on any other day I would love too. But today, instead I want to be vulnerable. Today I want to replace the shots of vodka and gin with cut onions directly under my eyes and weep.Yet why can’t I?Impossible Love.What prompted this letter was “Visions of Gideon” a song from the movie “Call me by your name”. The film explores love between two men and concurrently the limitless effect it has on an individual regardless of gender, type or length. S and I saw this film together, striking us both very hard.The emotional song “Visions of Gideon” plays at the end of the film when (spoiler alert) lover Elio cries over Oliver who has just told him he is getting married to another individual after Elio and Oliver bonded over the summer. This scene personally strikes hard because it is so similar to the situation I found myself in right now and with S, not because of the marriage just purely because our relationship at this moment (maybe forever) cannot extend beyond friends.S is a dear friend, one I know I will never lose and we both at this moment had a unspoken understanding that the situation on screen very closely parallels ours. For me personally I was so deeply moved by the film even hearing the name makes me emotional so one can imagine the effects the song had on me.Why? Because my situation parallels Elio’s in this scene. Perpetually locked in a state of unrequited love for an individual that ultimately is slowly slipping from my grasp and ultimately away from me. Quickly becoming my favourite film and book, I am in love with “Call me by your name”. I feel that my response to the film and love for it is only heightened by my closely empathetic response to it. For me personally my situation varies in two distinct ways from Elio. 1. I will always have S in my life regardless of how and 2. I am struggling to move on.All I see right now is myself stuck within a perpetual oblivion, observing as the person I have fallen in love with inexplicably slips from my fingers as a result of a single sole factor. Age. Because of a gap of 9 years my relationship with the man of my dreams has fallen away.Mind you the situation has ended on the best terms and I am grateful I have such an amazing role model in my life. This letter isn’t to mope or groan about the fact I am in love, instead it is much the opposite. It is instead to celebrate Love and reflect that the definition of Love extends far beyond cultural acceptance. Yes I am emotional and down but I am not seeking sympathy or am I actively wanting people to empathise or show compassion. By all means feel free to do so but the point of this letter is to tell you it will be ok and perhaps most importantly. To love who you love.Tonight I pack up the tissues and sob within the quiet confines of the facade I will once again place over my face. In this moment of momentous anguish I have realised through the last 8 months. Since the moment I first told someone those three words that I for years couldn’t muster the courage to even tell my mirror, through the ups and downs, the bullying, my first relationship and kiss. I never once felt the need to pretend to be happy.Not once since being barred in the closet. Not once since pretending to be ok every day for the first 17 and three quarters of my short insignificant life did I fake being ok. It’s this that catalysed this letter. Know it’s ok. Know you are not wrong to love who you love. Love is love and extends beyond just a relationship status on Facebook. It extends from friend to friend, family to family, brother to sister and of course, star crossed lover to lover.And it is in this understanding of Love and writing this letter that I am able to find comfort. It is in the knowledge that I know I will either move on or our relationship will once again change that I am able to relax and remove that facade once again. And to you, my future self or the reader or impossible lover I say it is possible. To you the reader, know you are to love who you love. Be yourself. Be strong.Be free to love.Kind Regards, G. P.S. you WILL find it