Just writing this because I need to put it down

Its hitting me really hard right now. I dont have anyone to turn to so posting online is the best I can do. Right now Im 30(M) and life is mostly me just getting by. Today I couldnt get that out of my head. My life was rough growing up, and I keep reminding myself that I should be proud to have gotten this far. But because of how life was I didnt do the things people my age should have done. Today I thought "maybe im not completely out of luck. Sure Im broke with no career, and im already middle aged, but i feel like im 18. i feel young and like i should be able to have those experiences still" and I felt a little better. Then I made a really big mistake. You see I never was one for taking pictures of myself but there were a few times over the years that I snapped a selfie. I went to the mirror this afternoon, as if I expected to find something I liked. But damn, Im unmistakably old. Dark circles under my eyes from restless nights. Sunken cheeks. Scarred cheeks from latent acne. Completely bald. Pale skin. I thought, "hey maybe its not that bad, maybe its just the depression messing with my eyes". Thats when I made my mistake. I opened one of those old selfies and was taken aback. Fuck. I was actually cute. Head full of curly black hair, full smooth cheeks, a cute smirk, tan skin. I looked young and full of vitality. And I hated myself. I thought I was hideous. I was terrified of people, could barely say a word to anyone. But my god I was actually pretty cute and I never actually realized it until now. But it doesnt matter because all of that is gone. Its a cruel joke to play on someone. I could have found someone who loved me if I had just had the self esteem to go out. I know ther eis no way I could, not after what I had gone through in my early life, but still. Now here I am, my biggest mental scars patched, but it doesnt matter. If I was still that cute shy boy maybe I someone would ignore the fact that Im 30 with no money. maybe they would ignore the inexperience and teach me how to have a relationship. But not now, not like this. No one would ever put that much work into something that looks like its been rotting in a grave. I think about that a lot too. I havent had a week go by in my life where I didnt feel horrid at some point. I havent been given a hug in 12 years. I just keep telling myself "just keep going, just dont give up, it will get better if you keep trying" but... it hasnt. I dont know what Im doing this for. I hate this, it hurts so bad. It hurt when I was a kid, it hurt when I turned 18 and moved away from my horrible home. It hurts now. Its not getting better, Im not making the progress I need to to catch up. Im just getting older. Ive overcome so many things, so much damage, but no one can see that. They werent there, they didnt know what I was before so all they see is this broke 30 year old ugly guy with no car or a career or house of his own. ten years ago I wouldnt have been able to say hello to a stranger. Now I can, and people can tolerate if not like me. But no one wants me, not really. Everyone has their friends by now. Everyone has their lovers and families. No one has room for someone like me. Its too much work, too inconvenient. And the road ahead is far too long. I dont think I could learn how to have a lover, or integrate into a friend group. I just... I just think Im torturing myself by doing this. I think deep down I knew years ago that there was no way I could really fix myself. And I tried, I really really did. I pushed myself to learn how to communicate with others, I worked, I tried therapy and drugs and meditation. But deep down there has always been something broken in me. And even though I didnt give up, I didnt know what to do either. But I think now, looking in the mirror, that im that old chevy that someone left out in a field long ago. no matter how much rust you scrape off it wont ever be enough. Just go and buy one that runs. No point in breaking your back dealing with that mess. I cant really offer anything to anyone. Even I dont think Im worth salvaging anymore. I had hoped, for some reason, that things really would turn out ok. I read the upbeat quips and the promises that its all ok in the end but really... I dont think so. It was so hard to get here. And Im still broken. When I think of going through another 30 years of this... god I feel like im going to vomit. This is the real world. Its a world where cold and cruel things happen. A world where parent hurt their children, where strangers judge and condemn other strangers they just met, a world where peopel die cold and alone in the streets. This isnt a fairy tale. No prince charming shows up to slay the dragon. No enchanted dresser pulls you into a land of magic. If I havent fixed myself by now I never will. And today I realized I lost the only thing that I might have been able to bargain with, and I didnt even know I had it. I cant believe how cute I used to be. I should have pushed myself even harder and found someone who would take me in their arms and teach me what its like to be loved. But maybe Im wrong about that too. Maybe love is just another fairy tale. Maybe all the people i see with lovely lives, who smile and laugh and embrace, maybe they dont feel anything. maybe its no better than being alone. maybe I fooled myself into going forward because I wanted to believe there was a place that was different from the dark place where I started. But if thats true, then I dont want to do it for another 30 years. It hurt so much just to get here. Maybe Im just weak, and stronger people would have learned to cope faster. from a scientific standpoint, all these emotions are really just a form of selection right? just chemicals in the void. I dont really exist anyway. if i didnt, then it would be just like it was before i was born. I cant remember what it was like before I was born. I like that. Not remembering. no more nightmares. no more panic attacks. no more self hatred. no more long empty road, surrounded by people yet still, somehow, utterly alone. nothing i do means anything anyway. im just atoms in the void. I dont even really exist, I just think I do.