a letter to my dad (he's accepting, he's amazing).

IT'S LONG, but I would really appreciate it if somebody read it. I've been struggling with depression and now I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I've struggled with self harm and a suicide attempt, and what I feel right now makes me feel like my own family is bringing me down deeper because of what I'm explaining. I'm holding my tears as I write this.Hi Dad, first of all I don't want you to call me when you read this because I don't want to have my mom and sister hear me talk, I don't want them to ask me any questions as to why I'm locked in my room or bathroom.Just so you know, nothing bad has happened here at my house (my dad doesn't live with us), there hasn't been any fight or argument and in fact it's been quite a normal day but there's something that's been bugging me a lot. I'm very hurt, I feel out of place in both my families (both sides), I feel like I don't belong anywhere because I don't find any acceptance, true acceptance, I don't find comfort... I'm very sad because I feel like I cannot do anything about it (and in fact, as I'm writing this I am locked in the bathroom crying).I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months now and, on the 22nd it's going to be the mark of 1 year since we first spoke and to me this has been very special, it's been such a powerful and beautiful relationship and it upsets me so much that I can't share it with anybody in my family, not even my own mom.My mother told me that she doesn't like my relationship and honestly it's pure prejudice because she says that my boyfriend might cheat on me and give me emotional pain JUST for the fact that he's HIV Positive (undetectable), which was transmitted to him while he was in a relationship with a guy who didn't know about it, and I do acknowledge that it was my fault for telling her something so personal of his, and I cannot justify telling her. She says that he could be harmful to me and such things but I hate, I hate the fact that she doesn't even know him in 7 months we've been together and it's mainly out of fear that I have and huge shame that I have within myself because of what I've been told and because she rejects my relationship. She said that she doesn't care if he's a guy and if it were a girl it would be the same, but that doesn't take out the pain that I'm feeling... which is too much, it's unbearable. Not even my own mother approves of my relationship? I cannot talk about it at home and I can't invite him either because my mother and my sister don't want me to (my sister is a lesbian, which adds to the wtf here). My sister says that she feels "uncomfortable" by having him be at our house and that she "wants peace", while I am the one who literally lets her do everything she wants, I tell her that it's okay if she brings her friends who, BY THE WAY, are EXTREMELY loud and even if it makes me uncomfortable, I'm happy that she's happy, but I don't see the same in her. I can't take my own boyfriend home because it makes my sister uncomfortable?I've had to take him home when there's nobody there to do things that we can't do in public because we don't want to experience having somebody yell at us or try to attack us for being gay. The other day I actually took him home while my sister was there and she locked herself in her bedroom and she didn't even say hi to him correctly and didn't say goodbye when he left... and we were just in bed napping, something as basic as that.On the other hand, my sister also tells me to basically hide everything (and at the same time she says it's okay to be gay, and she's a lesbian so what??????? I don't understand), she says I have to hide my sexuality but in other words, such as "why would you act this way?; you don't have to do this; don't be like this in front of our grandparents; it's uncomfortable; I don't want to talk about this" and so many more things. I can't act a certain way that I've been wanting to for my whole life because at home they'll tell me that "I'm acting in a way that I never have acted, so I'm faking and being extra"... when in reality I'm just finally losing the fear of being who I am after months of therapy and, outside my house I feel very comfortable, much more than at my own house and that upsets me in such a way, it makes me extremely, extremely sad. I feel very out of place.Also, I know that in your side of the family (my dad's side) there's people who have a problem with who I am and well, I'd really love to take my boyfriend to the house in the countryside but of course I cannot do it because my grandparents are there and they have a problem with it... perfect.I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel like I don't belong anywhere and that hurts me too much, I'm very hurt and I don't know, I feel emotionally bad because I feel like I'll never be able to do anything about it. Not even at my own house can I feel comfortable with my boyfriend, having to plan when he can come over and until what hour so my sister doesn't see him. Sucks, eh?And now, what your wife told me the other day made me feel even worse, even more discriminated than I felt before because she told me that I couldn't tell my baby brother (her son with my dad) about my boyfriend and how I like guys (he's 7, almost 8 years old and I already told him that I have a boyfriend). I feel like to her it's something so distant, like my brother can't know anything about it "yet" because "he's too young"... She also told me that it bothered her that I told my brother and not her.... Like, really? It's NONE of her business, my sexuality is not a thing that she has to tell him, it's me who decides.Conclusion... I don't belong anywhere.I feel like the only time when I'll feel better is when I finally move out and when I don't have to live under the same room as my mother and sister nor anybody of my family... without fearing rejection, judgement... Because of things like this I've distanced myself from other people, because I've felt like I don't belong with them, and it hurts me deeply that I feel this way with my own family. It makes me tear up even more to think about all the good memories with them, but how it's all coming crashing onto me now. I feel like I'm disappointed, very disappointed and feel rejected and even though my family accepts me as gay, they don't act such way.I don't belong anywhere.