My story. Involves sex so probably not NSFW.

I cant figure out how to delete the extra not in the title of this post lol. This is my story and it is all 100% true, but unfinished. I just decided to sit down and write this today. Its a little rough. I have been considering writing a small book about this, but I am not sure anyone would even be interested. Let me know what you think.Part 1/3 I suppose the first memory I can recall was around age 4. My parents, my sister and I lived in a small 3 bedroom house. It was nothing special really, just a white house on the corner of Coffee St. with black shutters, and a large weeping willow in the front yard. The memory begins with my mother and her best friend Tracy painting a very large dinosaur on my wall. This particular dinosaur happened to also be the father figure on an old TV show called “Dinosaurs.” It was a kids show in the 90's. I remember it took Mom and Tracy hours to finish it. I remember looking at it in awe at night, and somehow I thought it would scare away any monsters that wanted to get me.A few months later, my parents began to get into arguments more and more often. I didn't know it at the time, but they were having money problems. I would later learn the problems stemmed from both my parents being addicts, but as a very young child, all you see when you look at your parents is god. I remember my father would come home after work and want to spend some time with me and my sister before our bed times. I suppose my mother began to feel jealous, because she would be yelling about how he spends no time with her. She would throw things at him, anything she could reach. Ashtrays, canned food, candles, dishes, anything really.Some nights, though, my dad would wake me up really late at night. I remember him saying, “Hey Bud. Wanna play some Nintendo?” And we would play the old Ninja Turtle Nintendo game for hours. And I remember feeling so special because he never woke my sister up to spend time together. These nights were just for me and him.My next memory is of my mother packing my sister and I up and getting in the car to leave. She tells us we are leaving. Dad has done something very bad and we have to go. My sister and I were crying and didn't really understand the situation. I remember the house shrinking into nothing as we drove away.Our new house, was awful. It was one of those HUD homes. It was on a hill with a very long, very crumbled driveway. The house had pale yellow siding and there were cracks in it which gave the house a sinister feeling. There wasn't anything wrong with the actual house, but there was an infestation of mice that was like nothing we had dealt with before. A crazy infestation that mainly seemed to target my closet. I remember in the winter, I would constantly be finding dead mice in the pockets of my clothes. And my mother would make me wear the garment even if it had a dead mouse in it just 5 seconds ago.I remember attending Saint Matthews daycare. My mother would pack my favorite lunch at the time. A cheese, mayo and hot dog sandwich. It was a sandwich consisting of 2 hot dogs that had both been cut long ways and the cut sides were fried in the skillet for a minute or 2. She would also add a little bag of carrot sticks or chips and a juice box. I remember my lunch box was black with a picture of a dragon on it and I absolutely loved it. It was by far the coolest lunch box in my class.Times were tough and we were on welfare. My recently single mother did the best she could to provide us with a home. I remember her picking my up after daycare and she always smelled like delicious food. She worked at a burger joint during the days when my sister and I were in school and daycare.Cooking, however, was not my mother's strong point whatsoever. I remember how often she would prepare fried Spam sandwiches. One of my least favorites honestly. My sister also hated this awful meat product. We would always eat our meals in the living room on the floor so we could watch TV. When mom wasn't looking, my sister would take my sandwich and her own and shove them deep under the couch. Looking back, we probably contributed to the mice problem.As time went on, I suppose my mother began to get lonely. Tired of being single, and tired of having all of the responsibility of taking care of us on her shoulders alone, she started dating. There were many different men that came and went. One man, named Victor, was particularly unusual. He lavished my mother with expensive gifts. He bought her lots of new clothes, a refrigerator and this huge picture to hang on the wall. It was the picture of a gorgeous house cat, and there was an analog clock in the bottom right corner. It was about 5 foot wide and 3 feet tall.Victor and my mother would always be laughing. He and my mother seemed to enjoy each other very much. I remember once I fell down and scraped my knee. I was crying and looking all over the house for my mom. I looked in every room and couldn't find her. Finally I went to her room and opened the door. My mother and Victor were sitting on her bed. My mother was holding a piece of foil in one hand and had a lighter burning in her other hand, under the foil. There was a straw in her mouth. The smoke rising from the foil was going into the straw in her mouth. She took in a big breath and closed her eyes. She let the smoke pour from her mouth. “Mom?” I said quietly. They were both startled, and she dropped everything she had been holding. “GET OUT!” Victor roared and pushed me back and slammed their door in my face. I remember being stunned and not understanding what was happening. I went to my room and cried myself to sleep.My mother and Victor began drinking more and more often. They also had this little orange bottle with lots of little blue pills inside. I would later learn these were Xanax. They started taking the pills when they were together, drinking and laughing.I remember one night my mother cooked these little frozen personal pizzas in the oven. My sister and I loved these little pizzas and were very excited. We gladly scarfed them down on the living room floor watching TV. When we finished, we both got up to put our plates in the sink. We looked at mom, who usually ate her meals on the couch behind us kids. She was slumped over asleep. Her face was in her pizza. I remember trying to push her up and saying “Mom? Mom? Are you ok?” but she wouldn't wake. Her face was covered in pizza so me and my sister tried to clean her up. I remember there were some burns on her face because the pizza was still pretty hot. I was so scared. My sister told me to get a blanket and together we moved mom to a laying position and covered her up.She awoke the next morning as if nothing had happened and life went on. My mother and Victor began taking us to their friends houses, where they would drink and take pills and who knows what else. My sister and I were told to stay in the car. So we would just sit in the car for hours and hours at a time, just waiting for mom and Victor to come back. But when they did come back, the rides home were always scary. One morning, I remember going outside with my mom and sister as she was about to take us to daycare and school. We walked outside and she saw that the front of her car was on the front porch. There was a small hole in the house where her car had hit it. She was visibly shaken. I remember her telling us to wait while she backed it up off the porch. She obviously did not remember the night before. Victor and mom had left us in the car for hours once again while they drank at their friends house. And she almost ran her car through our house.I remember mom and Victor began to fight a lot. He would stay at our house most nights with mom in her room. I remember once seeing him hit my mom. I ran to my room and cried. Cried for hours. I felt so helpless and scared for my mom. I remember waking up hours earlier than everyone else the next morning. I was still upset about what I had seen the night before. I went into the kitchen and found a large box of thumb-tacks. I am not sure what gave me the idea or why I did it exactly, but I took the box of thumb-tacks to the door to my moms bedroom. I sat down in front of the door and took all the thumb-tacks one by one and set them in the carpet, upside down, so that Victor would step on them when he woke up. There must have been a hundred thumb-tacks there.A few hours later, sure enough, I heard my moms door open, and heard Victor shouting “What the FUCK?” He was roaring with pain and I remember running outside and hiding in the bush on the side of the house for hours. When mom finally found me I had apparently fallen asleep. They managed to work out it was me, because they asked my sister and she told them she didn't do it. I never got in trouble, and my mom actually thought it was funny.Mom and Victor began to fight more and more and eventually we never saw him again. Another man came, and his name was Rick. I remember mom taking me and my sister to stay the night at Rick's house. Rick also had a daughter that was about my age, but she was at her mother's house on this night. Rick let me sleep in her room. I remember she had a Pocahontas pillow. I awoke very early in this unfamiliar place. I remember wandering about the house looking for something fun. I came across a book of matches. As a 5 year old I knew hardly anything about fire. I took the matches with me back to the room I slept in. I remember plucking matches from their fixed positions in the book, and scraping them against the sandpaper strip, mimicking the motion I had seen my mother do so many times to light a cigarette. I remember being amazed watching the fire spring forth from the tip. And the smell of sulfur was new and exciting. I watched the fire for a moment, and with another mimicked move, waved the match and watched the flame go out. Smoke still spew from the tip, but the fire was gone. I threw the match in the space between the bed and the wall. And I plucked another match and did it again. And again, until there were no more matches left. Now I was out of matches and bored, so I went into the next room to find my coloring book. I remember coloring a Superman picture for at least 20 minutes. I began to get bored again, so I went back into Rick's daughters room to look for a new toy or something to play with.When I opened the door, I saw huge flames in the space between the bed and the wall. The place I threw the matches. Terrified, I ran to find an adult. My mom and Rick were in Rick's bedroom, and the door was locked. I knew they would be asleep. There was a man I never saw before asleep on the couch, so I did not wake him. Little 5 year old me ran to the kitchen. I saw on the table a huge birthday cake. On top of it was one of those plastic covers that you see on almost every cake in the bakery aisle of the grocery store. Somehow I knew what to do. I grabbed the plastic cake topper and ran to the kitchen sink. I began to fill it up with water. I filled it with what seemed like gallons, and began to run with it back to the fire. But about halfway there, the plastic cake topper cracked and broke right down the middle. All of my water spilled out, wasted on the floor that was not burning. I was so scared. I did not know what to do. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door.Somehow, the man sleeping on the couch woke up when the living room was filling with smoke. He managed to wake up mom and Rick, and they were able to get everyone out of the house. I remember my mom naked except for the bed comforter around her. I remember my mom and Rick yelling and being so upset and I was so scared what was going to happen to me. But they never punished me. Rick's home had been completely engulfed in flames and was totally destroyed. Rick was so thankful he has something called “insurance.”My mom continued to date Rick and we saw him quite often. I remember one day after daycare, my mom, my sister and I arrived home and when we went inside, the house was empty. Rick had decided to surprise my mother by moving her into his newhouse. I remember mom being very upset, but later that night we eventually all drove to the new house we would be staying in. I remember it was about a 20 minute drive from our house, in another small town. It was a tiny nothing little town. We settled in quick and my mom and Rick both seemed pretty happy. Mom and Rick had their own room, my sister had her own room, and Rick's daughter Keely also had her own room. My room was the den. It was a very big space but had no doors and had to be walked through to reach the bathroom or the front door.I remember my first day of school was kind of scary. My mom was the type that never cut my hair, and so it was down to my butt. All of the kids in my class could not figure out if I was a boy or a girl. At lunch that day, I remember the principal sat down next to me as I was eating all alone. He told me that little boys do not get to have long hair in this school, and there was a dress code. My mom would have to have me follow this dress code or I can not go to school here. And he gave me a note saying basically all of that and told me to give it to my mom. I remember mom being furious. “If I want my son to have long hair then it's my fucking right!” is something I remember her yelling. Finally that night she got the electric clippers out and gave me my first buzz cut. She cried. I did not really understand what the issue was.The next days at school were better. Once people knew what my gender was, they seemed to feel more comfortable around me. I remember my teacher Mrs. Gething always read us chapters from “The Boxcar Children” and it was so cool. There was this really nice girl in my class named Emily. My assigned seat was next to hers and she always shared her hand lotion with me. I remember once we were all reading a passage of some story together, and we all had copies to follow along. We would each go around and read a piece of the passage. I remember all I could think about that day was Emily and her hand lotion. She never seemed to share it with many other people, just me. When it was my turn to read, the teacher called on me. My heart sank. I had no idea where we were in the passage. I had to miss recess that day as punishment.Years passed any my mom and Rick seemed to be doing great. They didn't fight much and there was some stability and peace in our lives for the first time in a while. Rick and mom began to hang out with old friends. They would all play board games and drink and seem to have a great time. One night I remember them all playing a board game. They were all laughing loudly and enjoying each others company. I remember that one of my mom's friends pulled out this little bag with white powder in it and held it up. “Anyone want to join me?” he asked. “I would love a boost!” and he stood up and walked to the bathroom. I remember my mom and rick and the other friend there looking at each other slowly. Then they all stood up and walked to the bathroom together. They did not come back for at least and hour, maybe 2. And when they came back they were not acting the same at all. Their eyes were wide and their speech was more rapid. They seemed to be kind of twitchy and just very weird. I remember feeling uneasy and going to my room.I remember that year at Christmas, I got to see my dad for the first time in a while. He looked different. Skinnier. His face had changed a little. His cheeks were not as puffy as they used to be. Like he was hungry or something. I now know it was because of drugs. But I remember he brought my sister and I a gift. It was a Super Nintendo, and 10 or 15 games. I was in love with that Nintendo. My sister and I would play for hours while mom and Rick stayed locked in their room for hours and hours. We would have a safe place to hide in that Nintendo when mom and Rick were fighting.I remember mom and Rick began to leave me and my sister alone for long periods of time during the day and they would return at night, drunk or wide eyed. My sister was 5 years older than me and she basically raised me during those times. She was my best friend and role model. She taught me to read before I started school. She was so excited to share her knowledge with me. She brought home books from school just so I could practice reading with her. She wanted me to be the smartest kid in my class.I remember being around 8 years old and it was summer break. My mom and Rick told me they were going to hang out with some friends and they would be back that evening. At around 9, my sisters and I began to get very hungry. Keep in mind this was the 90's and cell phones weren't really big yet, so we had no way to contact them. I remember us all eating bread slices for dinner. The next day came and still no parents. We were all scared and didn't know what to do. We tried to play games and watch T.V. To keep our mind off of it. That night we ate the rest of the bread slices for dinner. It was hard to fall asleep, not knowing where mom and Rick were, or if they were ever coming back. The next morning we all woke up and there were still no parents. I remember my older sister cooking pasta for us for lunch. She was just 13 and barely knew what she was doing. There was no sauce or anything, just half cooked pasta to eat. That night we just went to bed without eating. Partly because we were so scared, and partly because everything else was a lot harder to cook. On day 4, we awoke to the sounds of the front door being opened. The front door was rather loud and obnoxious as it opened. Mom and Rick walked in, covered in blood and mud. Mom had twigs and leaves in her hair. There was a huge gash on moms arm that looked like it had stopped bleeding and turned into a big scab. Both of them had little holes all over them that had bled. They told us they had been in a car crash. Apparently they had crashed their car the night before, on the way home to us. They somehow managed to both walk around 13 miles back to our house. They didn't even realize they had left us alone for so long, and they didn't seem to care. They both went to their room and locked the door, and hours later when they emerged, they had both showered and their appearances weren't so grim, but they both had wide eyes. Us kids just went to our rooms and ignored them for the rest of that night.Rick's parents suspected Rick was doing drugs, and Keely went to live with them. My sister and I hardly got to see her after that. She would come over to our house and play every couple weeks or so, but for the most part she was not really allowed to come over.Mom and Rick started leaving my sister and I alone almost every day. Things were very dirty around the house. There was very little food at all. But my sister did the best she could to take care of me. She made sure I ate and took a bath and that type of thing.A year or so later, my mom and sister began to get into more and more arguments. My sister was upset at the way my mom had been acting, but mom didn't really care. The argument escalated until my mom and my sister were hitting each other. This scared me so bad. My only true protector was now getting hit by mom. There wasn't anything I could do but watch in horror as she beat her. My mom grabbed the phone and called the police and she told them what had happened. She told them my sister threw the first punch and that mom was just defending herself. Of course the police believed her, even though it was not entirely true, as mom had thrown the first punch. The police took my sister to boot camp.And in an instant, my guardian was gone. The only person that ever truly knew me. The only person that would look out for me no matter what. She was gone. And I was alone. Alone with parents that cared more about drugs and booze than me. I was so scared. And so alone.A few nights later, my parents are actually home for once. We are having a relatively normal night. We are all watching The Simpsons on TV, and we hear a loud knock at the front door. My mom and Rick both exchange glances but neither one of them get up. The knock comes again, louder than before. “POLICE! OPEN UP!” No one moves. They don't get up, they just stare at each other. “POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! WE HAVE A SEARCH WARRANT!” Mom and Rick both stand up but both seem to be frozen. They don't know what to do. They tell me to be quiet and they will leave. So I just sit there and remain silent. A few more minutes of this loud banging and yells of “POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!” continue. None of us know what to do. Suddenly we hear this noise, far louder than the knocking and yelling before. Bang. Bang. Bang. BANG! The front door is opened with such force that it comes off the hinges. The trim around the inside of the door is all ripped off in the same instant. A huge cloud of door dust fills the living room, and now bright beams of light appear. Around 8 men and women, all appearing enormous to me, storm in the house. They are wearing what looks like body armor and they all have very big guns in their hands. They are pointing the guns and my mom and Rick and even me. “GET DOWN! ON THE GROUND! PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!” I am maybe 9 years old at this time. I am shaking uncontrollably on the ground. Tears come pouring from my eyes. I am just crying so loudly. The officers let me stand up first. One of them takes me to the side and tries to make small pointless talk to me like “What is your favorite animal? Or what grade are you in” and I am just crying. They have my mom and Rick in handcuffs. They are walking them outside while the other officers seem to be running around our house looking for something. The officer talking to me asks me if I have any family in the area. I say no and so he asks if I have any friends. I say yes, my friend Gabriel. (Although he was my friend, I did not know him very well at all.) This is a very small town and he is able to call Gabriel's parents. He tells them that my parents are being arrested and would it be ok if I spend a night or two. Gabriel's parents oblige and they let me stay. I would later learn that my sister told the cops that my parents were making and selling drugs, which was not true, they were only using. She was trying to get some revenge on Mom for kicking her out and sending her to boot camp. The cops took her word for it and that's why they stormed our house. Mom was furious. The cops only found small amounts of drugs, nothing to connect them to manufacturing and intent to distribute, so no major charges ever came of it. To this day I get chills when I have to interact with police, because they held me at gunpoint as a child.I remember staying with Gabriel. His parents were super nice and only wanted to make sure I was ok. I had a really hard time falling asleep that night. Gabriel's parents had made a pallet on the floor in Gabriel's room. Gabriel's room was super messy, and I got up and straightened everything up for him that night. I realize now that I was just keeping my hands busy so I wouldn't worry about mom. I finally finished cleaning his room and I was so tired I fell asleep pretty quickly.Mom and Rick eventually got out of jail the next day and life went back to the normal. Mom and Rick would leave me alone for hours and hours and get home at very late times. I remember waking up, getting myself ready for school, and walking to school. In those times it was very hard to connect with anyone in my class. I felt so alone everywhere I went. My town was very small and all the kids parents in my class knew each other and talked often. I remember the kids in my class having parties, and many times I was not allowed to go because the other parents knew what kind of parents I had. I remember the crushing feeling of not being allowed to join in. I thought they all hated me. I thought they were blaming me for things that were beyond my control. It really hurt to hear the other kids say “No my parents said you are not allowed to come.” I remember Gabriel being one of the only kids that was nice to me. We had a lot of similar interested. We both loved Pokemon, and I was so fascinated that he had all the Pokemon cards. I never collected them but secretly wanted to, just to play with them with Gabriel.I remember my dad came and spent the day with me on my birthday that year. He took me to Wal-Mart and let me pick out anything I wanted. I picked out a Gameboy Advance and a few games. I was so happy that day. He took me to a restaurant to eat dinner, and then he took me back home to mom.I absolutely loved that Gameboy. I had a place to escape to when my life around me was so shitty. In my games, I could be a character that everyone loved and needed. I could do anything in the games. The characters usually had parents that loved them. Games were like a sanctuary for me. My special place to go when I didn't have anything or anyone. I could go on fantastic adventures and they even helped distract me from my hunger sometimes.I remember coming home after a particularly bad day of school. I went right to my room to get my Gameboy. I had been wanting to escape into it all day long. I went to the shelf where I kept it, but it wasn't there. I searched all over my room, but couldn't find it anywhere. I looked all over the house, thinking I had left it somewhere. Finally I asked my mom if she had seen it. She told me that she had to take it to the pawn shop in order to get some money for bills. I was crushed. It felt like the ultimate betrayal. My one safe place that was all my own. Gone. I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I was upset for days. I had finally found a place where I could enjoy myself, and my mother took it from me.All though my life, I always have had debilitating asthma. As a small child I would need to take nebulizer treatments every few hours. The kind where you pour medicine into a machine that hooks up to a mask. The medicine is vaporized slowly and you breathe it in through the mask. The treatments each lasted about 30 minutes. I had to take all kinds of pills and syrups and inhalers too. I remember mom almost losing our Medicaid coverage a time or 2 and she got really scared that we wouldn't be able to get my medicine. She was protective of me in that sense. She got really scared when I would have trouble breathing. For almost all of my childhood, I really wasn't allowed to go outside and play. I was forced to stay in the house because mom thought I would have an attack and die. But as time went on I remember me setting up my treatments alone as I was left alone. I would have to remind my mom to get more medicine when the box was empty. Sometimes she would remember and sometimes not. There were 3 different medicines you had to add to the machine, but sometimes I only was able to use 1 or 2 medicines because the other boxes were empty and mom forgot.My friend Gabriel also had asthma. His was also severe and he had to take all kinds of treatments and pills and inhalers too. I remember having to use his inhaler a few times at school because my mom didn't remember to get me more. I think that was another reason I felt safe with Gabriel. I at least wouldn't die from at attack when he was around.My mom and Rick began to stay home more and more. For a while I thought things were going to go back to normal. I must have been around 10. My mom and Rick would stay locked up in their room, or the garage outside, for hours at a time, but at least they were home. I knew now that they were doing drugs. I would sometimes find their makeshift pipes. They would turn just about anything into a pipe. One thing they used a lot was the different pieces of a ratchet set. They come with a bunch of long hollow metal pieces that apparently make great pipes. They would take some brillo pads, or steel wool, and stuff it into one side of the pipe. Other times I would find writing pens that had been taken apart and the plastic shaft was used as a pipe. Other times I would find needles. There was blood on most of the needles I found.Most times, when I came across the paraphernalia, I wouldn't even be looking for it. I would just be putting some clothes away in my closet and, surprise! A bloody needle on the shelf. In the bathroom, there was some blood splattering on the ceiling and walls. Not sure how it got there but I was sure it was because of the needle drugs.I remember finding my dad's phone number one day when I had been left alone for hours. It had been a long time since I had seen him. My mom told me he had been in trouble with the cops for drugs and so I kind of expected him to be like mom, but I still got the phone and dialed the number. It rang for a while and it went to voicemail. I remember leaving a voicemail telling my dad that mom and rick had been leaving me alone for hours and hours every day and I was so hungry and I really miss him.I remember the phone ringing a little while later. I answered and dad asked me what my address is and I told him. He came and picked me up and I stayed with him that night. He was actually living with his mother at the time. I would later learn this was because he was also on drugs, but at the time, I was just so happy to be out of my house and with my dad. I was filled with the memories of him coming into my bedroom late nights to play Nintendo. And he actually did seem to care about me more than mom in those days. He let me stay the night, and he would drive me to the bus stop in the morning. My school was about 20 minutes away, and there was only 1 place the bus stopped in the town where my dad lived. I remember getting home from school and mom was so upset that I had called my dad. She said I was making her look like a piece of shit and a terrible mother. I told her I was sorry, I was so hungry. She grounded me for a week. She took my TV from my room. When she and Rick left for hours and hours every day, they would take all of the TV cords with them, along with any other electronics that I liked.I remember being so bored, and so hungry, that I called dad again. I told him what was going on. He came and picked me up again and gave me some Taco Bell. I remember sleeping so good that night. I woke up the next morning and I started to cry when we were getting ready to go to the bus stop. He asked me what's wrong, and I told him that I hated my house and no one even cares about me there. I asked him if I could come live with him. I remember him saying he would talk to mom about it, but I never knew if he really did.When I got home from school that day, mom was as mad as I had ever seen her. She couldn't believe I called dad again. I told her yet again that I was sorry but she grounded me longer. And now when she and Rick would leave the house, they not only took the TV cords and my electronics, but they also took the phone with them. Now I really was alone. I had no way to contact anyone. I just sat in my room and made up these little games with my toys to pass the time until I was so tired I would fall asleep.A few days later, I was alone in the house of course, and I remember there being a knock at the door. I looked out the window and I saw my dad. I was so happy and I went to answer the door. He said he was kind of worried about me since he hadn't heard from me in a few days. I told him how I was grounded for calling him, and that mom had taken away all the TV cords, and even the phone, so I couldn't call him. I remember him looking upset about this but he didn't really say much. He told me he would be back in an hour or so. And so he left and I wasn't sure if he would really come back. But when he returned about an hour later, and he had several big bags with him. We got in the house in my room and he showed me what was in the bags. He had gone to the store and gotten me all kinds of non-perishable foods that I could hide in my room and eat when mom forgot to feed me. I remember there being all kinds of chips and chocolates, and snack cakes and cokes. And then he showed me another thing he bought. It was a tiny little phone. It almost looked like the flip phones of the earlier cell phones, but it plugged into the phone jack. It didn't take batteries or need to be plugged in or anything. Dad told me this was so I could call him when mom takes the phone away. I was so happy to have someone care. It felt like things were going to be okay.