I soon realized

I am gay.
But I didn’t know before I was 15.
I knew about the gays from a really young age.
My mom used to tell me that they should have all the rights.
And we should respect them cause the survived all these fights.
Their childhoods were hard. They felt out of place.
And they were scared, THEY were damaged by our society.
And THEY deserve fairness. THEY THEY THEY THEY Not Aaron, not Annett, not Mille, but THEY. 
Therefore “I"couldn’t be GAYAlso, my childhood was good.
I didn’t feel out of place.
I felt good in that girl-filled space.
Boys weren’t disgusting, but they were boring.
Adults said that it was normal.And then there was the girls.
Some of them were boring too, and some were good to talk to.
But others were beautiful, I wanted to impress them, be close to them, touch their hair, like a fucking creep.But I thought these relationships were weird friendships that lasted about a month. I love our heteronormative society. All special friendships ended, cause they got sick of me trying to impress them. I went on like this:
I kept my good-to-talk-to-friends,
and I burned through those special friends like fire matches.
My heart got moderately broken by their endings.
But I got used to it cause it was my life, until I turned 12.-------------------------I met this girl in year 8.My back brain, I guess you can call it my heart (gags) got infatuated with her.
 I wanted to impress her, like all the other special friends, and I annoyed her to get her attention.She thought I was normal in the beginning, and then she thought I was weird. (I assume)She was actually cool in primary school, but she got weird from having her nose in books.Miraculously our weirdnesses bonded, mine driven by infatuation, her by some beautiful creatures.A year went by, my back brain’s infatuation turned into something else. I still didn’t have a word for it tho.My front brain had excepted her as a friend. 
An addition to my friend arsenal.My back brain made me follow her as a shadow throughout 9th year, I didn’t know why, it just felt right.My two brain parts grew.
And I turned into the person I was earlier today. 
 And as they grew, the gays changed name from THEY.
They were now called Aaron, Annett, Mille and millions of other names.
 But I thought couldn’t relate to them, cause I weren’t as damaged as them.I learned all these queer terms, I was interested in IT, and always surprisingly fine with IT.
But I wasn’t IT, cause I wasn’t damaged.It took another year. 
(we’re in 10th year now btw)It also took two periods of emotional support.
And finally my back and front brain grew together, and it all became full circle.I had “a crush” on her.
That was seriously what I thought.
“A crush”.
 My poor brain didn’t know. Cause just as I went from subconsciously fantasizing to conscious fantasizing, the feelings seeped from my back brain into my front. 
And drowned the whole organ.I told one of my good-to-talk-to-friends.
She got excited by this “crush”.
Poor thing, she didn’t understand what she was handling.
Neither did I.
She pushed me into telling her.
And so I did.On Valentine’s Day of 2017 I told her. 
I Didn’t feel a thing.
I think I went into a numb state of mind, as I wrote those well planed words into messenger.
 I knew she didn’t like me back.
And as my theory got confirmed, my front brain could finally gasp for air.“I’m actually relieved” 
“I’m just moderately sad”
I wrote this to her, and I believed it too.But the weeks went on.
We still never said anything out loud.
And I soon realized, that I wasn’t trying to get over a-month-old crush.
But instead a 2 year old love.And my back brain, that grew with her between the cracks, is now falling apart as she seeps out of me.And the worst part is that I don’t wanna be with her.
Not when she doesn’t wanna be with me.It’s not her fault that she ended up being the adhesive to my teenage brain, it’s my own fault.Help
I don’t know what to do.
I’m writing this cause it’s the only thing that drowns out the screams from my crumbling brain.