Dad. It's been a year.

You think the grief will make you smaller inside, like your heart will collapse in on itself, but it doesn't. I feel spaces opening up inside me like a building with rooms I never exploredDear Dad, You said we would be happy without you countless times before you made your decision, you were wrong. Everyday my mind brings me back to the day, I spent the night with a man I love followed by my morning class. Half expecting the news after reading a text from mom saying, “It's serious, you need to come home. Call me!” I call my brother answers, my heart collapses on itself. The day before was normal as it could have been living with a suicidal parent. You got mad over the dishes “I'm not your maid” you said. I tried to explain that I was about to do them and you didn't want to hear it. I wasn't trying to argue, but I'm sorry. You were so messed up, and I wonder how much of your traits are ingrained in my psyche. Your voice plays like a mp3 over and over on repeat as I wonder how much pain you were in and if it had anything to do with me being in your words “A fucking faggot.” I'm trying to feel the love for you, but it's hard when those sounds pop in my head. The times you exclaimed “I hate myself.” has definitely been passed on to me. You left no note so Ill forever question the ways in which I could have been a better son. I have no-one to talk to about this and the ways I've fallen apart since you left. In the past year Ive failed at the best relationship Ive ever had, im not sure whats hurting me more: missing you, knowing I pushed a good guy away after you took the pills, or the ways in which youve destroyed me. “You fucking faggot” “ Crybaby bitch” are the sounds I hear at night, I hope one day I can control them, but for now in some twisted way they comfort me coming from your voice in my head as I drift to sleep. Nobody hears my cries as I drive alone. I’m so alone. I miss you dad, its so screwed up. My self esteem is broken because of you. Mom is suffering after 30 years of your cheating. Remember when you said “they don't want fags on construction crews” well im landscaping this summer and I'm doing a good job.