One of Six times I cheated

1 of 6The first day I cheated on you was January 19th, 2016. But I thought about it long before. From the beginning of our relationship I felt you didn’t value me or what I was giving to you. So I challenged that by giving you more. Our first kissed was on March 7th, 2015. I remembered because it was my first kiss. But you didn’t. Even after I told you the date it wasn’t anything that stuck in your memory. That made me feel like I was just another guy you were with. In retrospect, I think you were too hurt to appreciate the things I gave to you, and it was hard for you to see value in someone saying you’re the only person I’ve ever been with and the only person I want to be with. On my end, I wanted to see what is was like to be in a relationship, although I didn’t understand all that I was asking for.January 19, 2016 The night leading to this day was like many others around that time. I masturbated to pornography more than twice and I scrolled down Grindr to see who was around. I didn’t believe I could ever cheat. I felt like I was too much of a pushover to do something of that nature. Throughout our relationship I felt controlled, whether it was who I hanged out with, what I was doing, if I could workout, and the fact that I had to tell you every single place I went, when I went there. I remember saying, “I don’t even tell my mom where I’m going like this.” This feeling of being controlled, paired with my full self-disclosure and your obviously hiding of your past, I started to feel like I wasn’t important enough in your life to know you or your past. Of the things you did tell me, your sexual history was one, including how you had sex with a particular person for two hours and it was great. This didn’t bother me until I realized the contrast between that statement and the sexual relationship we shared. I supposed being with someone who hasn’t had sex with anyone else has its pros and cons. One pro would be lack of comparisons. In my eyes, you were everything. All of my sexual experiences end and began with you. Imagine that security knowing that the person you’re with has only given themselves sexually to you. But I knew you didn’t value that, because I asked you and you told me that you didn’t. One con would be you would have to teach them everything and they wouldn’t do things an experienced person would initially. For me personally, the learning curve was steep, not only was I beginning my first relationship, I was having my first sexual experiences, but I was also coming to terms with my sexuality which was the devil on my back since I was in kindergarten. I let you into a broken place but that wasn’t valued, and I eventually stopped valuing myself.I used to feel shame when I masturbated, especially to gay porn. This wasn’t as I child, or adolescent. It was up until the time I met you, and even after. I felt like God couldn’t make me who I needed to be until I got over the temptation of being sexually attracted to men. I would whip myself daily with each thought and action that fed my sexual nature. I hated myself, and I wanted to go away. I wanted to be free from the internal turmoil the carved holes in my intestines and through friction burned my mind and soul until I was mentally and spiritually shapeless. But one day I decided to do something different, I was scared but my existence was so tormented that standing still was no longer option. Working at best buy I met my friend Corey, and I noticed he had an app named Grindr on his phone, and through the context of our conversations about the app, I knew generally what the app was about.I met you on January 19th, 2015. And I was desperate to rid myself of the self-hate and the image I held of myself for always following the rules. I figured through this relationship I would learn and grow and experience a life different than what I led for the past 23 years.After scrolling down Grindr something happened that I didn’t expect. I had voices telling me “Jalen, you always do what’s expected of you.” “You’re too weak to do something that’ll make you happy.” In our relationship, I can’t say I felt any better than I did before I met you. I felt worse. And I wanted out more than anything, because I felt stifled and constricted. Where I felt like I would grow I felt starved. I found a guy who moderately attractive, short Latino, toned and he asked if I could come over. I had already been up throughout the night thinking why the only person I choose to share myself with sexually doesn’t value me sexually. I told him yes, and that I would meet him at his apartment, not thinking I would actually go, thinking I would close the app and continue with my day as I’ve done before. But this time was different. I was fueled by hurt, resentment, the fear of never being able to know myself sexually, and the part of me that said I only do what’s expected of me. And I wanted to cast them all away. This is the part of the story when I here you say, “What about me?” “Didn’t you think of me?” And I did, but the feelings I had grew into a monster so enormous that when he roared, it drowned out all things around it. So I got in the tub and took a bath, and cleaned and prepared myself the best I could in the limited time. He told me he had to go to work around 0930. I left my house, told my sister I was going to the gym and I drove to his apartment in Vestavia. While I was there I thought, you don’t have to do this. You can drive to McDonald’s and buy babe breakfast and none of this will matter. You don’t have to do this.I sat in the parking lot of the apartment complex for some 20 minutes contemplating. Thinking “What the hell am I doing.” He then messaged me on Grindr, “Where are you?” I said, “Outside.” He followed by looking outside, and messaging me that he lived in the top apartment. I spotted him and I got out my car and walked up the stairs towards his apartment. What I was doing in that moment didn’t feel like cheating. His cavalier demeanor made me feel less like I was committing murder. He asked me, “Are you nervous.” And I said, “Yea.” And he signaled for me to come in, which I did. He then grabbed me like I haven’t been, like he wanted me. We went to his room and started making out on his bed. My body on top of his, I nearly came from making out alone. The act of what we where doing wasn’t something I hadn’t done before but the intensity and the way he wanted me reverberated through my being and validated a part of me that was gasping for air. He was prepared with a condom but he didn’t have lube. I mounted him and started to fuck him, after a while he flipped me over and started sucking my dick then he asked do you want to bottom, and I said “I’ve never done that before I don’t know.” “I’ll try it.” He penetrates me and it hurts a bit but not intolerably and a few minutes it became pleasurable. We both came and I immediately felt exposed and put on my underwear and clothes. He said to me “Do you have a boyfriend?” I followed with a yes. I asked him does it make a me horrible person for cheating, he said, “No, people do it all the time, he’s probably doing it to you.” He then asked my name as I edged closer to the door, slightly fearing my life as I am in a stranger’s home. I told him, and I asked his name and he told me “Jose.”What I learned after that experience was that I was attractive, and it’s possible for someone to want me and validate me sexually. I’d never experienced that before. I learned that I am strong enough to make my own decisions and I’m not trapped. But this is only 1 of 6.