After 33 years of being in the closet and I was high last night on LSD and weed...

... and I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned for hours in bed -- I had never felt such anxiety before. So I decided to write down a confession that I never thought I would be able to write. I'm sharing this with you because I need to get it out and I'm hoping that others can help me along the way. It's long, but I appreciate you reading. Thank you all.Here it is:I've known since I was in 5th grade but I always refused to believe it. I tried so hard to not be. I always wanted to live a normal life: get a girlfriend, then a wife, and then have kids, and then grow old with my perfect family. I've always wanted to have that life, so I denied to myself who I was over and over again. I tried to like girls, I did everything I could to be a normal guy: get into supermodels like Cindy Crawford or Tyra Banks, make out with girls, scope them out, all that stuff. But it never felt real. It always felt like I was putting on a show. However, constantly being bombarded by my parents and family members fantasizing and talking about my future wife and future kids (their future grandchildren) forced me to lie to myself about who I was. In fact, I was sure that I was going to "grow out of it" and just naturally start being straight as I got older.As I grew older, the lie just became bigger and bigger and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't bear the thought of breaking my parents' hearts. To have them realize that they have a gay son or that they may not have grandchildren. I just couldn't handle breaking that to them, so I kept up the show.In high school, I met my best friends, many of whom were Christian at the time. In finding Christ, I found a bit of hope. I can pray this away. As long as I'm a strong believer, God will show me the way because how could He make me gay? God knows I didn't choose this for myself, I've lived my whole life trying so hard to not be. Any spiritual high and temporary relief would only last for a moment, as it always ended up succumbing to the inevitable: that I'm still this way.After becoming closer with my social group, I just kept it up because I felt that I would be shunned. Gay jokes were constantly being flung around and nobody else we knew was gay. I didn't want to lose my friends. So I just kept it up. Dated here and there, but I always felt awkward and out of place. When the guys talked about hot girls, I could easily agree (I mean, objective hotness is universal), but I was never into hot girls like they were. I never had the desire to kiss them or have sex with them, I just thought they were beautiful. The easy thing to do was to keep it up. I didn't want to be looked at as disgusting or immoral; I didn't want this to be the only thing people saw when they looked at me or the first thing that people thought about when my name was mentioned.I didn't want this to be my identity.In college, it was the same situation except with different people. I had the opportunity to hook up with multiple girls but I always backed out. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get it up and that it would be painfully embarrassing. I just played it off like I had too high of standards.Even when I joined my company, surrounded by gay co-workers, I always envied the fact that they weren't lying to themselves or the world. They always seemed so happy and free, but I don't know why I couldn't do it. It was way too difficult for me to accept it. I couldn't even watch gay-themed movies or be around gay people because it made me so uncomfortable. I was asked a few times if I was gay and I always instinctively responded by being taken aback, when in reality, I always wanted to just tell the truth.I constantly thought about committing suicide. Death would be so much easier: it may be painful for a moment but then I will feel nothing and I would die with everyone not really knowing the truth. My parents would be heartbroken from my death, but at least they wouldn't be heartbroken from having a gay son. I never came close but I did think about it quite often and that led to many sleepless nights and consistent episodes of depression.With every passing birthday, holiday season, wedding of a good friend, baby born, I'm constantly reminded of the life that I could have had. The life that I've always wanted so desperately. I blamed myself all the time. Why couldn't I just be fucking normal? I kept convincing myself that maybe I could just force myself to marry some girl, have a kid, and just grit my teeth to make it work. Maybe having a child will make it all worth it in the end? So I dated some girls and when it came around to the 3rd or 4th or 5th date, I just couldn't look them in the eyes and betray them like that. So I always broke it off. Some of them I really cared about and they really cared about me, but that's why I felt I couldn't continue lying to them. After I broke it off, I always hated myself because I couldn't just suck it up and continue giving it a shot. I have to have at least one serious girlfriend in order to REALLY know, right? But when the situation arose again and again, my conscience always made me break it off. It got to the point where I would go on dating apps, match with cute girls, and then just ghost them. I didn't know what to say to them because I knew whatever I said was going to lead to me breaking it off eventually. I struggled with this for so long that I became numb to it. Each time I ghosted, I hated myself each time for being such a pussy.I found my escape in drugs and alcohol and cigarettes. It allowed me to temporarily forget who I really was and just have fun with my friends. And then I would wake up the next morning and it would be the same sadness, the same feeling of not being normal.I recently have been doing microdoses of LSD and since I began, i started not only realizing how amazing life and the world are, but that if I continue lying to myself and everyone around me, then I will live the rest of my life not being able to actually enjoy it. I'm 33 now and I'm almost 34. I've never been in a serious relationship. I have no idea what romantic love is like. People already constantly tell me how weird it is that I don't have a girlfriend. How much longer can I go before people end up assuming that I'm gay anyway? I'm sure many of my friends already do. I'm just so glad that I'm surrounded by incredible friends that I've known for most of my life, but even then, I'm afraid that telling them is going to change everything.Telling my parents is going to be complete hell. I've lied to them throughout my whole life. Lying about girlfriends and potential girlfriends. Letting them believe that I'm just really picky. They're going to be heartbroken that they won't have a grandchild from me, that they won't be able to face their relatives and family and friends. I'm going to be a gossip topic across all my extended family and their community and I really don't want to put my parents through that. Family visits and holidays are going to be tough. I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle facing all of my relatives. I know I'm almost 34, but I've lived my life with them seeing me as the perfect son. I don't want to break it to them that I'm not the son they thought or hoped I was. I just want them to be happy, to be proud of me, to not be ashamed to call me their son. I would give anything for that, but I'm not sure if that will be possible.In the past few years, I've been on a relentless journey to heal this deep-rooted sadness and pain inside. I've tried self-help books and videos, meditation, psychedelics, dieting, everything. Any happiness I gained would be instantly fleeting. I always knew exactly what it was but I couldn't allow myself to say it because once I said it out loud or put it down in writing, then it would instantly make it real. My family always said how I was the happiest and most confident child but that when I entered middle school, I became less energetic and happy. They brushed it off as my personality just changing with age -- a natural progression of adolescence -- but the truth was that I was struggling with my identity and being confused. I didn't want to be this person, so I always carried it with me deep down inside, like a horrible cancer that was slowly metastasizing throughout my life, my spirit, and my happiness. I was ready to accept the brutal and painful fact that I will never be happy and that I will just have to live out the rest of my life in hiding.I can't lie anymore. My mind, my sanity, I just can't take it anymore. I just want to live my life with truth and integrity, and I'm ready to accept whatever consequences stem from accepting that. I sincerely hope that my family and my friends will accept me and treat me no differently than they always have. I hope they can forgive me for all of the lies over the years -- I'm so damn sorry. I love my family and all of my friends so much, and I don't want anything to change. I've always been exactly the way I am today, but the only difference is that I'm no longer lying.Me 4/25/2017 at 4:20am