Kind of a long one, can you guys help?

So, get ready for a long one….will probably seem like I’m looking to accomplish years of psychoanalysis in one Reddit posting…. Intro: 61 yo happily married man, kids, successful. But, I’m gay. I didn’t “get it” as an adolescent and young adult. Fantasizes only about men, but dated only women, never considered otherwise. Don’t think I knew what “gay” was until I was 20, then didn’t think it applied to me because I didn’t think I fit the stereotypes (I did, actually, even knowing now how meaningless they are). Always fantasized about men. Only had sex with two women – high school girlfriend and my wife, who I met after college. Sex was okay, I enjoyed it, my wife did too, but it was vanilla, fast and became less frequent over the years.It got harder as they years went by, unbearable after the kids left and I had more time to ponder life. Like many closeted people, I suffered depression, anxiety, self loathing, inadequacy. And conflict and regret. Conflict because I love my life, my wife, my children. Regret, as I realized what living inauthenticity had done to me and to those I love. I read everything I could. I wrote to myself. I finally came out to myself 5-6 years ago. Within a couple years, I decided I had to come out to my wife. I saw several therapists until I found one who could really help me come to grips with it all. I realized lifting some of the burden from me would result in placing it on my wife, who isn’t the strongest person. I should also say we’re not people with a lot of friends or outside engagement. We’re together all the time. Everyone we know thinks we have the perfect marriage. So I told her two years ago. It was awful at first. She was shocked, angry, terribly sad. She saw therapists. We’ve evolved. I’ve had encounters with other men, with her blessing. She remains very sad about it. And fluctuates between benign acceptance to denial to anger. My sex life is largely limited to gay porn and masturbation. I don’t know if I’m “addicted”, but if you can be, I probably am. Where I used to masturbate to fantasies, that simply doesn’t work anymore. Minor health issues, ED, doesn’t help. I've seen my doc, he knows it all. Cialis helps, but only to a point. Here’s where I’m seeking input and help. As I said, I’ve been with a few men, including a handful who I’ve been attracted to. But I don’t get hard. In fact, I feel nothing. The first was a CL “massage” with a hot guy, I was totally into it at first, but then lost my erection and couldn’t get it back. Other times I’ve felt nothing. It’s like I’m asexual. Zero arousal. I was with a 40+ guy, incredibly good looking, great body, amazing cock. I never felt a thing. I’m a grower, not a shower, and I didn’t grow a bit. I was getting a blow job recently and I felt nothing. Only had an erection at the start from porn, lost it as he sucked away. It’s humiliating besides being so terribly frustrating. So I’m hoping for thoughts from guys who’ve lived authentic gay lives forever and from guys who have lived in denial as I have. Specifically, • Any thoughts on how it’s possible for me to feel nothing after a lifetime of obsessive fantasizing about men? • Have any of you experienced this? If so, has anyone successfully come back to natural stimulation where they could only get hard and cum with porn? How did you do it? • Any other married guys with similar experiences? Oh, one more thing. How does a guy like me meet decent men? So far it’s all been CL.Finally – a shout out to the men and women of my generation and to young people coming to grips with their sexuality today who had/have the courage to be who you are. I have so much respect for you. And I weep, sometimes literally, for the pain adolescents experience as they realize they’re gay in an often hurtful world. It’s obviously getting better, but it’s still not easy. No child should have to experience this alone, without help, but almost all do.Thanks friends for any thoughts.