I hate that I am the way I am

I'm 36, never had a real relationship even though I crave nothing more, but I'm just completely unable to imagine myself as being desirable to anyone.For most of my life I felt ugly and fat. Well I'm still fat but no longer feel ugly, big improvement actually, but unfortunately it doesn't really help me so far. I hope I can change the way I perceive myself, but that's hella difficult.I tried Grindr and gayromeo, but sex is not why drives me, I want a connection with someone, I crave closeness, kissing and cuddling, I just want to be held. Other urges I can take care of myself, sure real sex is nicer, but as someone who hasn't had any in over ten years that is a faint memory anyway.I'm trying Tinder and I get some matches, but don't dare write any of the guys because I'm just so fricking inexperienced but probably the bigger reason is that I'm so immensely afraid of being rejected. Last week I started a conversation with a guy who was so ridiculously my type (which I already thought wasn't possible) that I threw caution to the wind, only to end up nowhere. He didn't seem that into me, but with my lack of conversation skills and inexperience in all things regarding relationships and sex, it was just doomed from the beginning.I'm not sure why this is so impossible for me. I'm actually good with people, I'm likeable - as a friend, with colleagues and customers, but when it comes to other gay men I'm just utterly helpless in striking up conversations that might lead to more.Not sure why I'm posting this, but I've been thinking about it for a while and today I just felt miserable and finally felt that I need to vent.