That creeping sense

I'll out with it and say I'm a dude. I like other dudes. The word we use for that is gay. So I'm a gay dude. But the word "gay" holds so much extra in it that I feel like I lose my identity in it.I'm not just a dude. Nah, a "defining" part of who I am is the fact that I like other dudes. And it's so strange to be looked at spoken to like I'm something foreign and bizarre. Not a woman, yet not quite a man. A strange thing that is interested in people of his own gender. And people try and "make sense" of me or try to "understand" me. But it's queer and off putting. I don't fit the norm, so I'm an anomaly. Yet, I'm really not so different from your average dude. Hell, I'd even be so radical we to say I'm not so different from your average person. Why bother with dividing along gender lines. We're all human.Over the years I've had some of my guy friends who are into chicks come to me and we'd talk. We'd talk about how that girl rejected him. Or we'll talk about how he felt such a connection with this one girl , and how they had something going on. But it ended and he feels crappy about it.And those guy friends of mine will tell me how they feel so alone and so empty in those moments. And they tell me how shitty it is to be back to feeling so alone. And I think to myself, "I've felt empty for years. I've felt empty and alone, and I don't see any change coming anytime soon."So I tell my guy friend, "Dude, it sucks. I know. I'm sorry you have to go through this. But you have friends who'll be there for you to listen and relate to you. People to empathize. And let's be honest, there are so many other girls out there, and we're young. You've got time to make some meaningful connections with people you don't even know exist yet. And you'll eventually meet a girl, and the two of you will share a mutual connection."And then I feel a sense of dread when I realize that I've feelings for this. My guy friend. And how it is undeniably hopeless.I can grin and laugh at myself for a second. I can lightheartedly tease myself for having had yet another pesky crush on a dude who will never reciprocate. "And at this age?! Come on, I'm an adult. I'm too grown for this."But there's that creeping sense of dread when I realize I truly have no friends who can empathize with me.The funny thing about being gay: just like some straight dude. I have my preferences, and I won't just be with anybody. So as far as romantic partners go, I won't just be interested in any gay dude.The funnier thing about being gay: I can't just be friends with any gay dude. Being gay isn't enough to have a meaningful friendship come forth. And it isn't enough to make us compatible as two platonically related individuals.The cruel thing about being gay: there aren't many gay dudes. So it's hard to make friends that are gay and harder yet to find someone who I'd feel romantically interested in. God willing I could even make a friend so he could empathize with my, our, situation. But that sense of dread has me feeling that I'm trapped. I can't get out of this place I'm in now and it's dreadful.