I'm gay and atheist and here's my honest opinion about this.

Being gay is totally an issue for me and I'm not talking about sin or religious bigotry. I'm an atheist myself but don't fall into the progressive category and try to delude myself.It simply doesn't feel right and no matter how people keep repeating it's ok and normal, deep in my soul I still feel I'd be a more fulfilled person were I not homosexual and that I'm missing out something way better in this only time I have here on Earth. I can't help but put it in terms of being a malfunction in the sexual function, for one can't simply detach sex from its reproductive purpose. I know many people get touchy by this, but I'm talking biology, not religion.I mean, just thinking of my body and mind matching in the sex field is enough for me to wish I was heterosexual. It's not about social acceptance and homophobia, though it can worsen things, of course.By the way, I have a boyfriend. And still unhappy.It also doesn't help that I happen to have a small penis (we all know it's a big issue in the gay community, I like them myself) and can't get joy from anal sex, which I find a bit gross (if I'm top) and painful or just uncomfortable (if I'm bottom), thus reducing my options significantly. I can't be totally comfortable during sex because of my size, it simply doesn't have that grip we have with bigger ones, which is the case of my boyfriend.And what about the mating pool? It sucks that amongst men you must seek the gay ones and then the top/bottom/whatever of your choice and, in my case, someone who agrees (and hopefully who seeks the same) playing by my rules which are basically foreplay and oral sex. Even though I'm good looking and overall a good guy, you can imagine how hard it can be to sustain a relationship even if the other party seems to be enjoying it (though not for long?). You have to struggle to compensate this. I get paranoid over the fact that he can simply dump me at any moment for a bigger guy and/or get tired of the sex that we have, which I suspect it's already happening.It freaks me out to think this is the most I can get out of this life.To sum up, If I'm sexually attracted to men, it follows that I'd be better off being a woman. But if I happen to have a penis, then I should like women. It's that simple.I simply don't see how can I be happy being this way. Suicide often seems to be the most sensible way when I can no longer bear this, because I have other unsolvable problems in my life.And I'd change it if I could, in case they find the science behind this condition.Anyone who relates?ps.: Sorry for any mistakes. English is not my first language.