Being Me

Hi everyone. I don't know what i'm doing but I will give it a try. I've been in and out of depression for a while now, at some point suicidal even. I created this account in an effort to bounce back from the depression.Being in the closet in a religious and conservative community (Muslim), I can never express my true self. I have no one to talk to, to share my interest, talking about my crush in other men. I'm also not much of a religious person, which got me ditched, left out by my friends several times. I have a "boyfriend" who will leave me in 2 years time to marry a girl. I can barely talk about gay stuff with him. This hurt so bad. There are some gay people around I found on dating apps but most of them are looking for sex. Generally, I'm attracted to older men.I feel so lonely and repressed. I thought of expressing myself through social media, but the fear of people I know in life finding out stops me from doing so.I don't know where am i going with this post but i feel like i need to vent. I guess some advice maybe?