Hi reddit, first time poster here. I want to just dive on in and ask (if not beg) for help in my situation. However I feel some background info is necessary. I'm a 25 year old male who lives in a very isolated part of Florida. I originally came out to my parents when I was 20, yet I was dating guys since I was 17. The first person I ever told was my best friend (we'll call him Jim) in high school. He was very supportive and even helped me through the nights where depression got to me and I was afraid my parents would catch wind of me being gay. He helped to keep me away from those fears and demons, and I think thats where I first noticed my feelings for him. I kept it quiet for years as I didn't want to risk upsetting him by telling him the person I've always dreamed of being with was him. He's straight, and at that time I didn't want to risk losing my best friend. We went to separate colleges but still maintained contact fairly well.One night, about two years ago at a party, we got a little drunk and he made a move on me. We fooled around in the empty lot next to the party house behind some trees (mind you, no penetration) . After that happened I was relieved, excited and then terrified. "What if he thinks I took advantage of him?", "Will he even remember?", "Did I really fuck it up that bad?". To my relief the next day we hung out and all seemed well. He talked about it very nonchalantly and we enjoyed our day. It was then that I tried to work up the courage to tell him how I felt. Then the bomb hit. he said " We will never do that again". I quickly put the thoughts out of my head and resigned to just having him as a good friend (which don't get me wrong, I never want to lose this one in any capacity).The funny thing is, it didn't stop there. For the next year, when ever we went to a party and got drunk, something happened. It was never anything too serious due to the fact that two important elements were always missing. 1) we never went "all the way" so to speak and 2) he was adamant about not kissing.I've tried dating other guys and they would go great for a time, yet I was never truly attracted to any of them. Its not like any of them were not attractive (a couple were wayyyy out of my league tbh), I just never really felt that connection with someone. What I really like about Jim is the fact that he's probably the smartest person I know. We could talk for hours upon hours on any subject and he's rather well versed in almost all topics (except games and movies, thats my territory). Then finally one night something magical happened. He made a move on me while he was sober and was hinting at going further (if it wasn't for my lack of condoms). After that we didn't see each other for a while. He was heading back to school for his doctorate and I stayed at home.We saw each other when ever he had free weekends. Either he would come back to visit his family or I would go to him. When I went over to his new place to help him move he hit me with a bombshell. For the previous year, his roommate "Lenny" was also gay and they did in fact mess around. It took all of my strength not to scream, to keep my composure, to just play it off (which I didn't do as well as I thought...). the only thing that kept me quiet was "who am I to get possessive? We never started dating, we never kissed, we never set limits." I tried to repeat this mantra over and over in my head as we made the trip in the moving truck. Even though I had no right to feel this way, I felt betrayed or rejected or maybe even a mix of both.Even though Jim had been with a couple male partners, he asserted that he was still in fact straight. He still dated a few girls and kept up most appearances. Yet now I feel a new conflict within me, the hope that he would be gay if it was with me, or the hope that he would remain with women and keep me as his friend. I realize this sounds possessive as fuck, yet I'm here to be honest with all of you in the hopes of getting some advice.One weekend I went over to see Jim and I got the chance to meet Lenny. He seemed a nice enough guy. One of the nights we went out for drinks. Lenny asked me what I would like to do and I told him that some friends of mine suggested a specific club (even though I am not a club person, I just wanted to check it out). So we parked at Lenny's place and walked down the main street. Lenny said that the club I wanted to go to was really slow this early so he suggested hitting a few nearby bars while we waited. I agreed and we went to this place that made a sardine can feel cozy and the drink prices were outrageous. I noticed that Lenny spent an absurd amount of money on drinks for Jim. I know we just met, yet when I went to the bar I picked up drinks for everyone. While Lenny only got drinks for himself and Jim (no big deal right?). Then I heard Lenny say "If you have too much you can stay at my place". (OH NO BITCH, THIS ISN'T A FRIENDLY OFFER, ITS ON!). I tried to play it cool though. Soon we left to another bar, and then a small club. I must of dropped over $300 by this point. I finally ask Lenny "when is the club I wanted to see going to be busy?" He responded with "around 3:30" casually. I called it a night and offered to get a cab back to Jim's place but he said he was good to drive and took me back.Fast forward a few more months, I'm still living at home (long story short; my father walked out on my mom who suffers with complications from back surgeries, and my brother is special needs.), I still talk to Jim almost every day, and I'm still head over heels yet wary. I come to the conclusion that the reason he wont kiss me whenever we do mess around is because I'm a smoker. At the time I was clearing two packs a day. So after a few months I quit. I mainly quit for him, so that maybe there was a chance. Yes the cost and the health benefits weighed in, but all I really wanted was that first kiss.I was nicotine free for about 3 months when Jim called me one day. I was keeping it a secret so when he saw my without a cigarette in mouth he would be pleasantly surprised.He told me about how he was a little adventurous again and that he had phone sex with a guy named Ron. This didn't upset me as much but it did cause some concern. Shortly after he asked if I wanted to go to him, but it wasn't in the budget so he came to visit me. This past weekend felt awkward if anything. Again I wanted to tell him how I truly feel, yet now I'm in doubt of my own feelings. He also felt like he was on guard the whole time too. We had a few drinks yet nothing happened. Even while drinking neither of us seemed to talk as freely as we normally do. Yesterday morning I woke up to him standing at the foot of my bed. I asked him what he was doing and he said "I was wondering how you sleep like that, wrapped up like a burrito." for most the morning I was curious, " was he trying to make a move? Did i fuck it up? Again?!". He later told me that he had to leave early the next day because one of his friends was heading into town with his boyfriend. To my shock and terror, it was Ron. When I made the connection, he laughed and said "yeah the guy is practically obsessed with me, he even said that he would leave his boyfriend for me." I tried to keep calm, yet every time he got a text from Ron I couldn't help but feel some resentment. We spent most of the day just hanging around, we took my brother to a movie and watched another one when we got home. After the movie I asked him what he and Ron had planned for the next day, he said that they were going to go to the beach and started pacing back and fourth. He muttered something about how he hasn't worked out in a while and continued pacing. Nothing has made me more unsettled than seeing him so nervous. Instead of losing it again I just said I was tired and headed to bed. Before I got there he grabbed my ass and said " I love you buddy" smirked and walked back to the guest room to go to sleep himself.Let's just say I didn't sleep. Although it doesn't sound like it, I've never been the jealous type. When I caught one of my (now ex) boyfriends cheating on me, we broke up but still remained on mostly good terms. Those two are still dating and I'm going to see them in a couple months. Yet when it comes to Jim, I feel like I've just discovered emotions for the first time. I'm ecstatic, I'm jealous, I'm furious, yet I feel complete. Like this is what its like being human. When he left this morning, I was sick to my stomach. I was contemplating all the "what if" scenarios. Though through all of this I still miss him. I miss my gay cat nip.So there's my story. I'm sure there will be some negative reactions out there, but I honestly don't give a flying fuck. I guess I wrote this post not just for advice, but to see if anyone out there has had a similar story.
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