Ok so this is going to be long. I'm 22 and recently graduated from university. The whole reason I left home to go to a university was because I needed to fix myself mentally, emotionally, etc. I was fucked up and unhappy basically. So months into my first year at university I started to develop feelings for a guy who I was developing a very close friendship with. At first I didn't really think much of it, but as time passed I realized just how much I cared for him. I could confidently say that this was the first guy I've fallen in love with, but it was awkward because he was also my best friend. From fear of losing our friendship, I decided not say anything.Flash forward to the summer between our sophomore and junior year; I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I had to tell him. I was a nervous wreck, but I managed to tell him how I felt. I knew that a relationship as boyfriends wasn't going to come out of it. I was nervous because I honestly thought it would cause tension between our friendship. The first thing he told me after confessing everything was that it wasn't going to change anything with our friendship. At the time I believed him and so we carried on. We were roommates that summer and we intended to be roommates our junior year.Well things started changing. We seemed to argue more and things started to grow tense. At the end of summer we ended on bad terms, but I could honestly say I had no clue why he seemed so pissed off... So it was a horrible end to the summer which would lead into our junior year of college. He was still pissed and as much as I would have loved to try and ask what was wrong he was acting cold and distant. We had to move in earlier since we were both going to be working at the same place.As soon as we got to our apartment it's as if nothing happened... He was back to his normal self and things were ok. Well this year continued the trend that started in summer. He'd stop talking to me for no reason and I was getting fed up. Then our friendship took a completely different direction.He had never admitted to me that he was gay, but his actions pointed to that. One night he finally talked and told me that he was having trouble accepting his sexuality. To save time and length of this already long post I helped him through that. We talked about it whenever he needed to and we'd talk hours on end up until the sun would rise. It felt great because for once I was seeing that he needed me and he was confiding in me.So then that same quarter of school I realized that he had not signed up for any classes and he was just living there. He told me that he was leaving and I felt like my world came crushing down. He told me abruptly and it felt like a stab in the chest. I of course never told him that I felt like that because my romantic feelings for him meshed with my feelings for him as a best friend and to me it felt awkward to say those things to him.Flash forward to a few days before his departure; our friend was having a birthday party. It was perfect because it was a way to depart with a good time. However, I could see that his departure was getting to him so I went without him after asking him if he wanted to talk about anything. So I went to the party and I drank and well... I drank too much and I made the mistake of remembering that he was leaving.I started throwing up and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack and it was all because I knew the following week he wasn't going to be there. I made a scene and he and a few of my other friends helped take me back to the apartment. I was embarrassed the next day. I apologized to all of my friends especially him because I had embarrassed him. Once again he said it was alright and that I should have talked to him about how hurt I was feeling.Later that day he started acting distant again and he wasn't talking to me... It was the most frustrating time for me. It was horrible too because we still hadn't talked and it was the day he was leaving. I felt so empty and numb once he left. It's a horrible feeling knowing that something was left unresolved between two people who care about each other.After he left he would come back to visit and there, but he seemed ... Different. Something was off and he didn't feel like the person I knew. I was getting pissed and finally one day I told myself, "why am I wasting my time? He clearly doesn't want to be friends anymore so I'm letting go." I cried knowing that the one person I spilled everything about my life to was no longer going to be in my life.I still don't know how to feel about him to this day. We both made mistakes and we both have fault in what happened to our friendship. He's been messaging me here and there attempting to just say hi but I don't want to because I feel so conflicted about the whole situation. Some days I want to call him and talk, but other days I'm reminded of the times he treated me like shit and I refuse to. After so much context, I finally get to my question: should I bother talking to him anymore or am I feeling like this just because he's the first guy I ever fell in love with? I realize this post is super long but I'd appreciate any and all advice you all have to offer!TL;DR: fell in love with my best friend, things got tense, we ended our friendship, and now I'm conflicted on whether I should talk to him again or not.
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