Bit of a long story, but explains why I am who I am. When I was 7 my mam and dad got divorced. I saw my dad regularly till I was in my teens, then that dropped off but by but until I was 14 when it stopped altogether save for birthday and christmas cards. My mam wanted me to have something to do so got me to join a drum and bugle marching band which I did. After a short time it became apparent that the bandmaster, a 60 something man had a taste for younger boys as he started to get friendly with my mam, to groom me, then when I was 15 he started inviting me over to "help" with the band stuff, of course to stay overnight as well. That was when he started to abuse me, and rape me over a 6 month period. I decided to leave the band as I was scared. I never told myd mam as I didnt want to upset her, being she wanted me to join the band. As all this was happening I saw my dad again for one more last time and he asked me not to contact him as he was remarried and didn't want his wife to know about me. That sentence had destroyed my life as I have doubted myself my whole life, feel a failure. I'm now 47, and am dealing with it slowly, but I also now am bisexual, and married. When things go bad at home, I go out to look for men to have sex with. I don't like doing it, but it makes me feel wanted. Makes me feel needed. I hate myself, but can't stop.I also feel ashamed that I didnt tell anyone as I know he would of started on other boys, and I don't think I could live with myself knowing others were hurt because of me. My mam passed away in 2000 and I've never told her. I found out my dad passed away in 2009 so I can't get any closure there either. 47 years old and I am a failure.
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