I hate being gay 👎🏼

Hi, I’m new to this site and not even sure anyone will read this but hey! I’m in my 30s and I can’t accept my sexuality. Having always hung with straight people and even finding gay guys a bit too much, I’ve never accepted the scene. All I’ve ever wanted is normality - to me that should be a wife and kids. Live a normal future and not be terrified of it.I’ve recently had the opportunity to leave a decent job, well paid, my life in London right now is good. But I’m just thinking of quitting for 18 months and exploring the world. I’m hoping that my tolerance of gay guys and tolerance of my own sexuality can improve. But on the other hand I feel I’m running away to the other side of the world, but I don’t know what from.I had 4-5 dates with a guy recently and I actually could see things getting good, until I broke it off. On one hand I want to accept it, the other I want to run a mile. I’ve had a relationship for 3 years a long time ago, but now I feel I’m alienating myself even more than I ever have done.How can I accept this? How can I be happy with who I am? I hate myself and have never been happy. Do I go on this trip and see if I can work things out, or do I potentially expose myself to lonely days/nights in hostels with 18 y/o’s, thinking even worse thoughts than in my secure, safe home in London.I want to be happy but I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t know how to give myself a break. Its really depressing.If anyone can offer any guidance at all it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks