Struggling with being a closeted adult male...

Hello, my name is Demetri. I’m not really sure why I’m typing this here.Maybe it is because the older I get the less people I feel like I should open up about this, because I’ve gradually held my struggles in the older I got to keep my friendships strong, in the risk of jeopardizing what we have.But I’ve just come back from a work Christmas party, and there were drinks involved and I’m drunk. I’m home, I stayed for all the employee escapades and bar stops which I’m already proud of, and I’ve just gotten home.I don’t know why I’m writing this here, I’m sorry for repeating that but I’m drunk and I hear a ringing in my ears and I don’t think in my life I’ve ever felt so alone.I’m a closeted male whose come out to only people I’m not friends with anymore. I work and live with people who think me straight or asexual because I avoid at all cost anything concerning my sexual identity, and I think tonight, at my second holiday Work party, as I sit here, I’m realizing approximately how lost and sad I am. I had an amazing night, I’ve had plenty of scotch and red wine to knock over an adult giraffe, and all throughout tonight, I just kept alluding to all my coworkers how, “My girl crush in junior high was this person”, and “in high school I couldn’t keep it together with her, she was such a crazy psycho” and “college girls are so uncommitted and unfaithful”.And it was completely automatic. I just would invent these stories, these identities just to keep conversation flowing, to make them laugh, to make them like me, to make the guys open up to me to feel like they can do that, because I felt like I needed to be that for them to feel open enough to me to get into a deeper professional relationship to prove worthy of keeping a prospective business partner that would prove worthy of keeping around... but I can’t do it.I’m home and I can’t do it anymore. So much of the world in my eyes just depends on this banter, this connection that I have time and time again only been able to get out of my coworkers in submitting in repressing my sexuality and the pain in doing that gets deeper and deeper the older I get. I’m in my 20s, and I just feel like I’m missing an honest, authentic realistic identity. Like who am I? My coworkers freely express themselves and open up and are accepted by even me and we all roll over and laugh and love them more for opening up, and I go along and hope I get that next promotion for thinking playing this straight game will get me there.“Oh I remember when so and so highered you in the office and he was like ‘oh great, I feel obligated because he’s my brother in law and he seems gay, just what the office dynamic needs’ but once I got to know you and who you were and you were just creative, and he liked you for your efforts, and I recommended you for that raise for it.” Like why did you have to tell me that reality. Why did my boss say that, I need to keep this fabricated reality for my sanity, of getting further and further into my life to preserve it long enough in the hopes the world will be open enough to like that I’m gay.So that I can day my first date went well with a guy I actually liked back went well in my 20s, that I didn’t like his views on art and that his partners were wonderful, and that trip we are planning is so exciting...I just can’t. I’m so sorry, I know I’m drunk, there’s just a pain in me, in this state where all my walls come down, where my fabricated life in my super conservative work environment and the illusion of who I am just becomes too much work, and it hurts more than yesterday. It doesn’t feel better like I used to here in my high school GSA, it feels worse. It hurts deeper, I feel less authenticity around me, less truth in myself, and I don’t know what to do.I’m not sure, I don’t know why I’m writing this, the party is done, I did good I smiled and laughed and told the stories all night and they loved me but I just am crying at home, never having been with someone, never having had that first love never having had that connection I post in my fanfiction Reddit knows me for, those stories I resort to in fantasizing in something, anything else happening but this. This world, this world we have, anything but tyis,I’ll probably laugh and delete this in the morning but I just wish I had someone who understood as I write this on my iPhone understood this feels like I’m decaying into this lie, this corner of submission, I don’t know I just don’t know