"Newly" gay, can't find self-acceptance, can't come out. Would love people to talk to.

TL;DR: I'm stuck between coming out to myself and accepting myself. If I don't find a way to shift my mentality I'll spend my while life frustrated and alone.Hopefully there's something in here that resonates with you guys. I'm finding that though all coming out experiences are different, mine is a little more different. I would love to learn that I am wrong-- there is nothing more relieving than learning you are not special.I've experienced "different-ness" my whole life. Same sex curiosity from age...10? 8? Young. Showing pee-pees in the YMCA bathrooms and all that. Same sex attraction since 15ish. Which manifested mostly as looking at gay porn out of "curiosity." (Repeatedly.)Deep denial the whole time. I was extremely good at compartmentalizing. I spent most of the way through college head over heels with a crush on one girl or another. I viewed it all very romantically-- I had more or less cast myself as the main boy in "Perks of Being a Wallflower." Sensitive, misunderstood, just waiting to be found. I was always heartbroken when I felt girls ignored me or didn't see me in that way.Of course, while I was busy writing my "misunderstood sweet boy" narrative, I was signaling to almost everyone around me that I was not actually interested in girls. Multiple times in my life I had a girl in my bed who obviously wanted something, and I just... did nothing.There's no denying I felt a strong emotional attraction to a few specific girls. But I always kicked myself for not feeling it more often, and not wanting the same physical things that other guys clearly wanted. I remember making out with a girl I was utterly infatuated with and still getting bored about 5 minutes in.Senior year of college I hopped on Grindr and started grindring. Still am. Virtually every hookup has been transactional. Show up, take what I need, leave. My hookups probably number over 150 by now, but I lost count long ago. I consider most of the guys I meet masturbational assistants. (I promise my selfishness does not show up so apparently to my partners. Probably.)I was raised Jewish and Liberal (in CA), but somewhere along the line I internalized homophobia. Despite knowing gay people, and wanting fervently to defend their right to be as they are, when confronted with the idea of a boyfriend, I can't help but think that men=dirty and women=clean.I spent so much of my life wanting a girlfriend-- hoping eventually for a wife and kids, and I now feel like that's been torn from me. With no more picture of what my happy future looks like, I'm adrift.I wanted a companion, someone who I felt understood me, and someone who could make me better and advocate for me when I couldn't do so for myself. It was a selfish dream, but it was my dream. And I couldn't picture it with anything other than a girl.I know it's irrational. I know that gay men can have kids. I know there's nothing "dirty" about being gay. But for some reason, confronting these irrationalities head on isn't allowing me to let go of them. I can't find any excuses to love myself.I imagine that most guys either stay in denial until they die or until it kills them, or they come out to themselves, which gets the ball rolling to come out the rest of the way. Not saying it's a pretty process-- I know plenty of guys come out and proceed to be miserable, but at least they get over that big speed bump.I've had suicidal ideations for the past 5 years. I know that I have 2 choices in front of me: I can either find a way to visualize a future with a man, or I can stew in my loneliness and frustration until I get fed up and commit suicide. And yet, knowing that I can either choose to be happy or choose to be unhappy, I still can't mobilize.I feel paralyzed. When I'm not working, I stay home and do literally nothing. I don't see anyone. I don't laugh anymore. I can't hold my attention on anything or take interest in the things or people around me.I'm stuck, and I don't know how to get un-stuck. Please tell me my story isn't unique, and that it can end happily.Cross posting to a few different LGBT subs-- I figure I can't cast too wide a net.