I'm gay, 32, and just coming to terms with things. I don't know what to do.

Well, Honestly, I never thought I would say those words. I am gay. I grew up in a very Christian household, my parents were missionaries, and I always learned that being gay was bad and not something appropriate. When I got older, I tried to do the dating thing like I was supposed to, but I never really was into it. At 32 I'm a virgin and just miserable. I have no drive or purpose in life as I am just numb. I don't want to be gay, I would never want that, but I can't help what I am attracted to.I dunno why I'm even posting this, it feels weird, but I just want to vent. I have been a bad alcoholic since about age 24, when I was trying to figure things out, but I've never figured anything out. I'm kinda tipsy right now so I hope this reads okay. I just am done with everything, and i want to be heard. I've tried so hard to be a good person and to be what I'm supposed to be, but I don't understand it at all. I've tried to be with girls but I just am not into it, at all. I have done all the classic mistakes, when things got overwhelming here, I moved 1300 miles away, on a whim, just to run from things. It didn't work out there, at all, and I came back with my tail between my legs a few months ago. My parents actually moved back from where they were, to make sure I was okay. I stayed with them for a bit, anI moved out a few weeks ago, and I'm kind of on my last leg. I have no money, nothing, and I just don't know what to do. I am in a motel room, last night here, drinking yet again, and I am so sad and just lonely. I'll be honest, I've made so many bad choices in my life, I can't deal with things, I only have girl friends as i don't want a guy close. It's funny, they always try to set me up and I do try, but it never works, so they think I'm just socially awkward, but it's just that I dont care. I'll be even more honest and say that when my parents came back I promised to go to rehab, and I did, for a week, but it was a room full of guys, very biblically based, and I met a guy named Jeff, who was my mentor, and I started having feelings for him, so I left.I sat out in the cold, lol, I left at 10pm, and stayed out in the freezing cold till about 9am, till I mustered the courage to call my parents and tell them the rehab wasn't working out. I made up all sorts of stuff, but mainly I told them it wasn't for me, but I would change things and do outpatient rehab. I never did though. I have been lying to them for a month now. I told them I got a new job, and for about 8 hours a day, monday thru friday, I've just been sitting in my car, or going to a bar, just to pass time. Then I come home and act like I've been at work all day.There's something very wrong with me. I know this. But I can't make my mind make me gay. If I could I think life would be so much easier, but I just don't know if I can. I hate myself for it, because this is all I know, I know it's not what I'm supposed to be at. But I can't help it.I'm legit just done at this point. I give the fuck up. I can't be happy, I can't be normal....all I wanted was to meet someone and have kids, but I can't do that. I wanted to be a Dad, but I'm a loser alcoholic who can't function. Literally the last night I have at the motel, then I'm down to ten bucks for tomorrow, so I figure this is a good time to just be done. I'll never have what I want.Do any of you guys feel this way? Like for real...is it always this harD? Does it just suck all the time? I dunno, I just want a friendly voice in my life. I'm good tonight, so please I dunno, just maybe say something? I'm sorry this is just a mess, I'm just not sure what to do anymore.