I wish I was super gay but I'm only "pretty" gay

Alright listen up. This is like serious teenage angst at 3:00 AM and it will not leave my head alone, I need to just get this out there. I need help!So I consider myself a bisexual cis male... and I fucking hate it. I want to be full on gay. No, not just "some what" gay, or like "sort of" gay, "only Spanish guy's" gay. No like I need it all. I want to be gay gay gay gay gay.Before last year if you had asked me if I was gay I would have been disgusted and would avoid the question, but now I'm really coming to terms with my appreciation for boys. Lets cut the chase, I'm a bottom. I want to press my head against a cute boys chest and have him wrap his arms around my back. I want to sit on his lap in public if it were only appropriate in Texas. I want to be held and express my submissiveness and all the other things... Just thinking about it makes me warm and fuzzy on the inside, and I get "butterflies" and all that other stuff most cis female's feel when thinking of boys.Now for the straight part. I've been considering myself straight for the majority of my life. I have had many crushes on girls, I've obsessed over them, dreamed of them, and.. Porn. Ya let's talk about that. My brain likes watching the girl. Does that mean I want to have sex with girls? No. Watching a girl in porn gives me dopamine in the brain and gets my dick thick that's why I like it. It's hypnotyzing... but I fucking despise the feeling today. I do not want to have sex with a girl... but I do... or at least my brain does... I feel my instincts take over, their like,"YAAAA FFFU**** THAT *** YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO LOOK AT IT ITS BIG AND ROUND AND YOU KNOW.." ya so. I hate myself. I hate my thoughts. I hate my mind. I'm depressed, loloOLOLOLoOollol......All this confusion led me to believe I was transexual. The thought of being a girl makes me so happy but also so sad, because I know it will never come true... I wish I were born a girl, because maybe then I wouldnt have this god damn lizard fuck in my brain telling me to fuck every girl with a nice ass. I hate it. I like girls as friends much better than guys, I have many "girl friends" that I hang out with at lunch whom I do not want to fuck don't worry, a couple of which are lesbians who are trying to find me a boyfriend which is so nice of them. They have been a god send to me, I was bullied as a kid, I always felt like a third wheel around a bad group of friends back in middle school, but around them I feel so included and has been about the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I like to wear makeup, I'm very conscious of my body and hair and want it all to look perfect, I draw and like to write and such... but I'm ok with being a boy... like most transgender people have dysphoria and hate being their assigned gender but for me I'm comfortable having a penis and comfortable looking the way I do, although sometimes I wish I had a vagina... what the fuck is wrong with me...And then I read shit on the internet that tells me my porn addiction turned me gay, or that my porn addiction led me to get bored. I feel mentally ill. I feel like a privileged white fuck cis male with all this god damn house and car and school and im not starving in africa and the only thing im worry about is what kinds of people I want to fuck with. Oh boo hooo. But like come on, my porn addiction wasnt that bad, I did it at least three times a week its not like other cis males werent doing the same. Why did I end up this way and the others didnt? What in the fuck is wrong with me!? And then I read shit on the internet about "Autogynephilia" where men are attracted to the thought of being a girl.... and im like THATS ME FUUCK IM MENTALLY ILL...I feel mentally ill and it doesnt feel good at all. I want to just get a boyfriend now so that I can figure this all out, but my school is so god damn superficial and homophobic, no gay guys come out ever, anywhere, at all. Its like theres a hundred lesbians, but only two gay guys. Ya, something doesnt seem right.and then I sit here and im like. fuck. I wish i was born a girl so that i wouldnt have to deal with this bullshit. I wish I didnt have this shitty XY chromosome thats giving me all these problems. I hate looking at porn now, I hate looking at girls I find attractive, I DO NOT want to be attracted to girls. I do not want to be attracted to girls. I want to be gay, I dont want to be mentally ill. I dont know what the fuck im doing. help