Played by a straight guy? [Warning: Long Post]

I am currently 19 and in college. I've dated a girl for a year once when I was in denial, but other than that no dating experience with a guy.Although, I had this bizarre experience with a "straight" guy in high school. Sometimes I get random dreams or thoughts about him and it sends me back to square one trying to rationalize my experience.It was junior year and I was 17. I was in the magnet program which provides transport to kids who didn't live near the school (apparently it's a "smart" program all our classes were honors). Since it's such a small program we usually see the same faces every year. This guy (I'll name him Kevin) transferred that year. He had semi long hair, but was as straight as they come. He loved hockey and rap he could go on forever about either one. I later figured out he rode the same bus (never in the mornings) and lived around the same area. My mom recognized him as one of her coworker's nephews. She didn't know much about him other than he had issues with his mom.We eventually met during a group project and got along well. We joked a lot during class and sometimes pissed the teachers off. When I get used to a person I like to insult them playfully. Eventually a lot of our interactions became insulting each other in a totally innocent way. We had our own friend groups so we'd only talk during class or if we happen to see each other passing he hall. We usually passed by each other in the locker area. We did stupid shit like push each other against the locker and just walk by. Or closing the locker when one of us just opened it. We pulled a lot of small dumb shit like that.He rode the same bus back home and I don't know when It started. Two or three weeks after we met maybe. He'd sit next to me on the bus and we both listened to music or talked (or made fun of each other's music tastes). It was a very comforting silence when we didn't speak. We were both stressed after a long day so sometimes we just felt like zoning out.One day he started rubbing my thigh. I initially freaked out and pushed his hand away. He'd just laugh and persist "cmon." It was really fucking weird. I'd just respond with a "What the fuck are you doing." It would eventually become a game of you rub my thigh and I push in embarrassment. Sometime's I'd let his hand sit there until he creeped up more. It eventually got insulting. I didn't know if he did it to get a reaction out of me. If it was some things straight guys do to assert dominance, and that he smelled the gay and wanted to fuck with me. I would still push his hand away out of feeling insulted, but man did I really like that. This would happen for a number of bus rides. I've never been that intimate with a guy and it felt great (I was a super virgin at the time so hand holding a guy was like getting a bj lol).I tried rubbing his thigh and he would freak out the same way I did, but a little more dramatic. So I couldn't really rub his thigh without him losing it. I remember one time he wanted to compare hands and he just held my hand for a while. Eventually things advanced from thigh rubbing to him putting his head on my shoulder. It was so fucking bizarre, and I never questioned it. I couldn't question it, because for some odd reason it felt like I'd break some silence. I got knots thinking about breaking the mood to ask him if he was gay.Now, all of this seems really fucking gay. However, this wouldn't happen daily at least 2-3x a week on the bus ride home. The other times we'd talk and he'd even mention girls he was interested in and described them to me. He'd have conversations about girls with his other friends (I'd overhear in class). He very well could have been bi, but I didn't wanna confront him on his sexuality. Because if this was all some weird sick game he'd just laugh in my face about catching feelings.Gradually we moved onto full on cuddling on the bus. Some days he laid his head on my lap listening to music. Other times we'd position ourselves so that his head was on my chest and his body outstretched on the rest of the seat. Sometimes I'd also put my arm around him. One day my ass got brave and rubbed his hair for a fucking while. I didn't wanna break this weird rhythm we had going on, no matter how obviously gay it seemed. I was a pussy and just wanted to bask in this intimacy. He never mentioned anything either. It was either silence or irrelevant talk when we did things.There was one day things got intense. I was looking out the window listening to music, while his head was on my chest. I felt his head lift and this intense gaze from the side of my eye, I thought, "does he wanna kiss me? is this fucking happening?" But I froze looked away and his head went back down. All of this went on for the whole yearWe got to senior year and personal life and school stress got to me and our relationship began to dwindle. I wasn't much a priority for him outside of the bus. There were things people knew about him more than me. He had a lot more friends than I did. There were days he wouldn't show up on the bus and probably got a ride. I wasn't someone he'd fully confide in and I felt like some disposable plaything. But I did feel like I understood him more than others. Every now and then he'd slip something personal. He definitely didn't seem happy.Eventually our playful insults became a lot more harsh. Maybe I took out my bad days on him. I was suffering from depression and I knew my moods would insult him at some point. My mental health was bound to become more prominent around him cause of the time we spent. But our interactions just gradually worsened out of nowhere. I couldn't even differentiate if we were fighting or joking. Sometimes a friend would jokingly tell us to calm down, but there was a hint of seriousness. I couldn't see him anymore without hearing a rude remark. The insults would hit me right in the insecurities sometimes. And sometimes I'd vaguely mention issues with his mom in my insults.Sometimes he'd even slip a small rub on my thigh during class. Publicly, it felt even more insulting as if he was trying to humiliate me. His friend once saw and jokingly asked if there was something between us.I started actively avoiding him on the bus and developed a hatred for him. It just felt like I was being played the whole time. There were days when we'd still be intimate. They were rare and they didn't feel the same. Almost as If I had to satisfy his need and it was a chore. The second half of senior year creeped up so we didn't ride the bus too often. We become more distant. We did have friendly interactions and he even hugged me on my birthday. Those were often outweighed though.Senior year was at its last few months and he was closer with his group of friends as usual. He came on the bus less and at the time I didn't drive (I knew he didn't either). My responses carried less and less emotion. These four years of school wore me out, senior stress got to me and him emotionally screwing with me didn't help. When he became 18 he told me how scared he was of growing up. At that point we weren't on the best terms and all I said was that I know it sucks. That was probably the last calm interaction I had with him. A friend of mine told me she saw him snort something during class with a friend. Last two months our "fights" went down in numbers. The last week of school he complained about a headache. I knew he wasn't okay and despite how intimate we once were and how that spiraled downward, I didn't feel comfortable asking something so personal. I don't think he ever told anyone either. He graduated but he didn't show up to the ceremony. His friends didn't know where he was.His instagram and facebook doesn't have any pictures or has been updated in years. My mom got a new job so I didn't hear about him through his aunt. His close friends would post pictures, but he'd be in none. To be honest I have no Idea where he is or what happened. I never got to say goodbye and it all felt anticlimactic. I don't have a desire to seek him out and confess my feelings. Because I did fall in love with him. That's all over and I'm sure I'm not someone he thinks about. However, It would be nice to see he's doing good or get an outside perspective on what this mess was. I still can't make sense of what happened. Did he like me? Were those feelings for me or did he use me for some emotional reason? Maybe I'm too dense. That was my first 'loveydovey' experience with a guy so it is something that left its mark on me. I wish I had gotten more out of that relationship. I look back and wish I didn't protest and just let him use me as much as possible.