Have I turned gay? Help, losing my mind.

Hello, I am not the best at putting my thoughts into words so this might be a whole mess to read my apologies in advance and I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit to post this in but maybe someone could help me, I've been borderline suicidal lately and I have no one else to turn to.Back story, I never had any feelings for guys when I was younger I actually started liking girls before most my friends were out of the cootie's stage and I have never had a crush for a guy but I had a really good friend I use to talked to who I loved like a brother. Anyways when I was about 9 years old my older cousin of three years started trying to get me into trading sexual acts with him at first I was hesitant and nervous but he would tell me things like "what, we are doing is fine. Did you know spartan's use to do these things?" and he started brain washing me into thinking this is right and he made sure I would never tell a soul. I slowly started enjoying and loosing up to what we are doing and it became something we would do almost once a month when we would sleep over this happened for many years even into high school but one day when I was in grade 11 we were chilling alone in his room and he sat me down and said that he wants to stop what we were doing and that it was only a phase and something we did because we weren't able to get laid, this has ruined my interactions with a lot of guy's I cant even look at them in the eyes some times with out being super paranoid that they think I am homosexual. Anyways I've had many hard break ups and crushes with women over my short life and I'm extremely confused about my sexuality now, Ive been with 6 female escorts in the last month and I haven't been able to get hard with one of them. I am so ashamed of my self (not that I think being gay is a bad thing) but I just feel like I have been stolen of something, is it possible I am gay? Do I just need to come to terms? I think women are beautiful but I kind of did start to like what I was doing with a guy... I'm so confused, I feel so weird and ashamed.