I am 43, married almost 20 years and I finally decided to come out......I'm scared

I knew when I was 14 that I was gay, but I decided I could not come out because of family. So I hid who I was, and because of rumors about me becoming more and more heavily, at the age of 23 I slept with the only woman I have been physical with. Within that same year, we moved in with each other and had a child together. We would go on to have another kid the following year. I do not regret anytime that I have been with her and I certainly do not regret having my children. I learned to hide my feelings really well and keep that secret for so long. I have dealt with depression since right around the time I knew I was gay and it has continued to this day. The last few years have really been bad. I began to withdraw emotionally and physically from my wife. She began to sense sometime wasn't right and we drifted apart. She started sleeping in the spare room and at the beginning of this year, she asked for a divorced. A few months later, I finally confessed to her why I was acting that way. She took it extremely well, better than I could have hoped for actually. I don't know what I would have done if she had reacted negatively. Somehow I became more depressed and lonely and one night I asked her to take me back and she did. And I tried to be straight for her, and for a few months we did okay. But then I started to withdraw again and I became more depressed and I got to the point where I wanted to end my life.....to stop the hurting....for myself, and for her. She doesn't deserve any of the hurt I caused her. And I hate myself for wasting 20 years of her life that she could have spent finding true love. So a few weeks ago, I had the talk with her again and told her, I couldn't pretend to be someone I wasn't anymore. I need to find someone to talk to, I am afraid to tell anyone about me. I'm afraid that I will hurt myself one day. I know that I am an asshole for lying to her for so long and going back and forth with her. I didn't want to be gay, I tried to be straight for her, but I couldn't. Just typing this out and reading it out loud is helping a bit. But I know talking to someone will help me out better. I know a few gay people, but I am fearful of how they will react. It's not like I am coming out so young, I am 43 and married with kids.