Being gay has made my life difficult in some ways, but I've found a reason to feel grateful that I am.

I can't share this with many people, so I figured that I would post it here.Before I talk about why I'm grateful that I'm gay, I should - and want to (I haven't really been able to talk about all of this before, except parts of it with some friends) - give some background information on myself. I'm an 18 year old, male British university student and part of a Muslim family (although I'm not sure if I'm a Muslim anymore). I've known that I'm gay for a long time, but I've never told anyone except for a couple of online friends who I told very recently, and who were both very supportive. I don't plan on telling my family for some time yet since I want to be independent when I do. I doubt that they'd kick me out, and I don't think that they could ever stop loving me, but it doesn't hurt to be safe, and I think that it would be best to create some distance between us when I do tell them so that they have time to adjust. While I don't think that they could ever stop loving me, I don't think that they would understand easily, if at all, and I'm pretty certain that it's not going to be a pleasant coming out experience.Homosexuality has never been a topic in this household. I doubt my parents have thought about it much, and probably don't realise that it's a possibility that they might have to deal with. I remember mentioning it briefly when I was younger, but my mother just seemed a bit embarrassed and didn't really have anything to say on the topic.I spent a long time thinking that I would just live a celibate life, since I'm a Muslim and most Muslims seem to think that engaging in homosexual acts is wrong. Over the last couple of weeks however, I've come to realise that this isn't what I want out of life and that I am going to try to find a partner who I can love and who will love me back. It's been a pretty stressful couple of weeks, and I don't think I've done this much serious thinking before in my life. I think that this change in me has resulted from me seeing examples of happy gay couples out there who have shown me what could potentially be one day, and just as a natural part of maturing. I'm not sure if 18 is a bit late to mature in such a way (probably not), but maybe I was repressing these feelings and now they've kind of broken free.Now that I feel this way I have a goal in life that I didn't have before, and it's driving me to be the best person I can be. If I take an honest look at myself, it's doubtful that I'll attract the right person. I'm quite overweight, somewhat socially awkward, don't have any really interesting hobbies, (unless you count playing video games/reading books) don't have a job and haven't tried as hard as I would have to take care of my appearance as I would have if I had considered a relationship to be a possibility. I don't have many friends in real life, and I have little experience socialising since I've always kept to myself.Now, however, I am driven to improve myself like never before. I am trying to lose weight with a burning passion that I've never felt before. I'm trying to find a job when I'd given up quite a while ago. I'm planning on getting more hobbies when I finally have a job (having no money and relying on my parents sucks) and I am doing whatever I can to take care of my appearance. I am also going to do my best to be gain more experience in and be more comfortable in socialising. I hope to improve myself so that I can feel happy with myself, since I know that I need to be comfortable with myself if I want someone else to be comfortable with me. While I do have some other insecurities (my voice is very unique and for some reason I don't sound like the people who live here, even though I've lived here all my life. I'm also a bit insecure about being Pakistani in race, even though I know that decent people won't judge someone on his/her race and that people feel attracted to different things) I do intend to overcome these insecurities and be comfortable with myself.Apart from providing me with a goal to work towards and the burning desire to improve myself, I have another reason to feel grateful that I'm gay. I feel that being gay has helped me to be a better person. If I imagine how I would be if I was straight, I imagine myself to be close minded, which is a little disappointing. Since I live in a house where homosexuality isn't ever a topic but where it's obvious that it's not a good thing, I think that I would just look at homosexual people and think "Why would you want to be like that? You must be a strange person". This is a very ignorant view, and I would probably think this if I wasn't gay. Being gay has forced me to try and figure this situation out and see things from other points of view, and I think that I am a more open minded person because of it, not just with lgbt stuff, but with lots of things that I probably would have just made assumptions with before.While it's true that being gay has made life difficult for me, I feel like these hardships have made me a better person. If I was given the option to have been born straight, I really doubt that I would say yes, even though I would have definitely said yes not that long ago. Being gay is a part of me that I've learned to accept and even love, and it's made me a better person. It's just making other people realise that it isn't so bad that's going to be the difficult part.Now that I've let all that out, which feels pretty good btw, I have a couple of questions:1) I've never drank alcohol before, and I don't plan on drinking it even though I'm undecided on my status as a Muslim. Because of this, my parents fears and me being a quiet person for most of my social life, I've never really gone to any parties, gone out drinking with any friends or ever been in a bar/pub. I'm also aware that the gay community is, obviously, smaller than the straight community and that I'm not the sort of person to have sex before I know that I love someone and have known them for long enough. Does anyone have any advice for finding a long term relationship with these limitations? Having absolutely no experience with bars/pubs sounds like it might be a problem.2) I feel pretty horrible for having to ask this, but since I feel pretty insecure about it I'm going to ask. Does anyone here find men of Pakistani decent attractive? I think my insecurities stem from the facts that I personally don't find many pakistani men to be attractive, probably because almost every man of pakistani decent I've met has been a Muslim, and I probably associate Muslims with being off limits in my mind since being gay apparently isn't allowed in Islam. I also find that I'm attracted to people who are like an opposite to me, including in appearance. Another reason that I might feel insecure about this is that I've never seen a gay relationship with a man of pakistani decent.Thanks for taking the time to read through all of this, and also if you help me with any of my insecurities/questions! I really appreciate having a place where I'm able to talk about this stuff since I've been keeping these thoughts to myself for a long time now. A lot of other posts I've found here have been helpful and inspirational.