Some guidance needed: self-consciousness, melancholy, etc.

Hello, this is my first post here; it is very wordy but I just really need to type my thoughts out and throw them out there. Sorry if you don't want to read it.I am an 18 year old boy who has just started college. I go to a very small college (a few thousand) which has a very socially accepting climate. For the longest time I have been at odds with my sexuality, and have gone to great pains to try to understand why I am such a way--yet I am slowly beginning to realize it is futile to try to find a "cause", since sexuality is supposedly determined on birth.Nonetheless I accept I am sexually attracted to mostly males and I don't really have a problem with it. Though I have no urge or desire to "come out" so to speak, nor do I think it would be a healthy experience for me. I can be gay without saying I am. I understand many others in this community approach it differently and I have no problem with that. However in my case, I sincerely doubt that coming out will help solve the array of problems I am about to describe to you.However recently I've been very melancholy, crying almost every day. I developed a very strong crush on another boy in one of my small classes, and it has been causing my soul to rot. It has exacerbated my self-consciousness and has brought my isolation and loneliness to the forefront of my mind. I have no friends here, and I have always had trouble making them "from scratch" so to speak. I had a variety of close acquaintances throughout high school but the type of friend whom never talks to you outside of class. To quote Jane Austen from Sense and Sensibility:"Brandon is just the kind of man," said Willoughby one day, when they were talking of him together, "whom every body speaks well of, and nobody cares about; whom all are delighted to see, and nobody remembers to talk to."A few months ago I began talking to one of my old friends whom I have told everything to, she is incredible! Unfortunately she's at a different school so we only get to see each other on break.So the combination of all these problems has put me in a permanent state of melancholy. I have never lusted after someone as strong as this one before and every passing moment of the day he is on my mind. But instead of focusing on getting to know him, or even trying to find out if he is non-straight, it has prompted me to think about my other emotional and psychological issues.In thinking about him, I wonder if I am, or ever have been, on someone else's mind as he is on mine. I wonder if I have had the same emotional affect on someone as he is having on me. I have become extraordinarily self-conscious; over the course of the day I probably spend at least an hour looking at my reflection.I have never done anything sexual with anyone before, I can never recall ever finding out anyone having a crush on me or anything of that sort, even if a girl. So I blame this on my unsatisfactory appearance; I blame this on my nose with a prominent dorsal hump, my relatively obscure jawline, and the unusual profile of my mouth. My hairline seems to be receding, the long hair I loved throughout the last 8 years of my life is slowly falling out. How funny, I am losing the only hair I want on my body! I am oppressed by the thought I was born with a face that I deem to have undesirable traits, and have no control over it other than by paying for exorbitant cosmetic procedures. Which of course, I would undertake immediately if I had the money.It also does not help I am shy and introverted. When I notice people making a conscious effort to talk to me, even my beloved, I feel like I am being dismissive or condescending. I never go to social events because groups of people terrify me; I feel more alone in such a group than I do when I am by myself.I feel so weak and powerless in light of all this. It is an incredible power he has over me, and without even trying, or knowing it. I want to wield that same power over somebody else, because I am tired of feeling weak. I associate this weakness with my ugliness.To be honest, I am fucking tired of it, I wish he never came into my life. I wish anyone I ever get a crush on leaves my life so I can focus on schoolwork and achieve my dream of becoming a physicist. It is too oppressive, nerve-wracking, and tragic to even ponder the idea I would kiss someone, or the idea that anyone would ever want to kiss me. Newton died a virgin!P.S. I would love to see a therapist, but I do not have the money, and to do it through insurance I'd have to talk to my mom, who would go bat-shit if I told her I wanted therapy because she has historically stigmatized the hell out of anything that smells like mental disorder.