Grindr and I (an honest note to self)

I am. Very very confused now and I'm not sure what is going on I may totally be out of control I'm not but I am As many times as I tell myself to not do something I do it Grindr I can't stop I swore I was going to But I didn't I did it again And again And again And I think it's been more than ten guys now since the summer The Indian creepy guy The young kid The guy I went to the movie with The fat guy The psychopath sushi guy The guy that might be autistic This is bad in not sure if I can remember them all. Wait The guy I didn't use a condom with. Twice The old guy There maybe more. I have to check my notes Oh the Brooklyn guy. So that's at least 10. Since mid summer. And I haven't gotten tested But that's not the part that bugs me. The hard part is knowing that I will probably do it again In fact I know I will As much as I don't want to I think I will and that kills me because I feel so powerless and weak Because i could swear now that I would never ever Evers do it again But just wait I will And ill say I won't do it ever again again And I will Again And I'm gonna get sick And die Unloved Because I'm too stupid to see How amazing my life is and how many people care and how they want to get to know me and want me to succeed But I can't see that. All I see is myself getting HIV if I don't have it already. I really Do not Understand Why this is happening Well I do It's happening because I let it happen But what I don't understand Is why I can't stop. No matter how much I feel I should or Even after feeling disgusted and used I still go back That is what I don't understand. And I've been in therapy And I swore to him I would stop That I know what I want and I'm not going back But I did I did it tonight And I already made plans for tomorrow Tonight was the one guy. And tomorrow will be number 11 or 12. Probably more cause I forget having sex the other times Oh yeah. The cute kid I blew Under the boardwalk Him. I liked him So add him So yeah that's my list. I've been lucky so far. I'm just waiting To get results I'm sick Or to get raped I can't do this I'll try but I know I'll figure out away to fuck it Do you like my cock I love it Do u really Yea No I don't Nobody likes gagging on a dick Go away And never come back I need to get off grindr. But not only grindr. I need to stop hooking up. I need to stop the apps. I need to stop it all. Cause I can't do this grey area bullshit. I can have a sip of wine. I'll never be able to have a drink. I wanna get so fucked up that it kills me. And one day I'll get so fucked up. I won't have to worry About anything Every again Ever Evers