(I'm 16 if that makes any difference.)I don't really know where to begin - I'm in a pretty bad spot right now. I've battled a lot with anxiety and depression, and I'm in one of my worst places right now. I feel like I'm clinging to the hope that it will get better someday, but it's only a hope. I don't know that it will ever get to that point. Everything at the moment just seems futile; I feel like I'm simply going through the motions of life, without actually getting anywhere. Day in and day out, I don't actually feel like I'm actually moving.And then of course there's the whole other side of things. I have and am keeping what I feel is a large part of myself hidden. Keeping the fact that I'm gay a secret I feel, is also having a huge toll on me. There's a lot I keep bottled inside (both related to my sexuality and anxiety) and I guess I feel like I don't have any bouncing board. No one to talk to about everything that's going through my head.And then there's the question, why am I not out? And the answer is, I honestly don't know. I know for a fact that my mother would be supporting of me, and so would my friends, as well as everyone I care about, yet I can't get myself to actually come out. And I hate that - I feel like I'm not being fair to all those who desperately want to come out but can't because they won't be accepted. I just can't get myself to take but that leap.I've gotten close, and to points where I could easily come out, but I haven't taken advantage of the opportunity. I really don't know what I'm afraid of. For a number of reasons, I really think that it would be good for my emotional well being to come out, at least to one person, but I can't even do that.I am quite a closed off person and I conceal my emotions very well. I can easily seem like I'm fine around others, meanwhile I'm doing far from well inside. I've unfortunately missed quite a bit of school due to all of this, and it's fairly obvious that I'm away for reasons beyond simply being sick, but when people are concerned and/or reach out to me, I tend to put up a wall. I can't get myself to let anyone know what's going on, despite how compassionate or not they would be. I'm quite a friendly person and I get on with most people, yet when it comes to things like this, I can't function.If you've read this, I really appreciate it. In the past I've found this a really good place to vent, so here I am again. If the above doesn't really make sense, Im sorry, it's just really my latest spiel of what I'm feeling. I hope everyone here is doing alright. Have a good day/night.
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