Rationalizing my sexuality

This is my first post here. Maybe my last too. I just write stuff in the spur of the moment. I have written a lot of gibberish while I have been high which I have come to believe is philosophy of the highest order which to others is mostly crap. And I have learned to make peace with that. But what I could not for the longest time make peace with was - or rather is -the fact that I am gay. So you know how many different opinions, theories, studies there are on the internet. One may believe to get a diverse range of material on any topic but what one ends up with most of the time is exactly what one wants to know or what "they" want you to know. We try to look for arguments which reinforce our own beliefs and pass it off as "see I was right all along". Rarely do we pause to see if there is any point in doing so. If you are gay you cannot digest the fact that someone can find being gay repulsive. Is it not a fundamental human rights issue, one may ask, if you discriminate based on sexuality? Yes it is, but we forget that in the five thousand year old human history there has not been an instance when a powerful king or ruler or any race has been documented gay or is there any gay god which ever existed? Now we may argue that there have been scholars and scientists and artists who have been gay. But how much influence did they hold in the world power structure at any point in time to make any long lasting difference. Imagine if you have a gay American president, how do you think the world will react to that. How many heads of state will want to deal with a gay President or even shake hands? That will be a gamechanger. But that sounds too far fetched isn't it. For that to happen atleast one society has to change, one powerful society and the rest will follow. But which powerful nation will be willing to do that? And we expect the 5000 year old habit to marginalize gays to die in a matter of decades. But then such is life. We do not want the future generations to face the same struggles some of us faced and hence the haste. To play the devil's advocate - why do homosexuals suddenly want to become mainstream? Our ancestors never felt the urge to change that. Or did they and a reaction to that was the invention of religion or philosophy or maybe even science- who knows? I am sure homosexuality predates all of these. Anyways all this while I have said shit about everything but the title of my post, 'Rationalizing my sexuality'. So this begins with the obvious google search I did a while back "Why am I gay". This was pretty much a reaction to my victim complex where I believed that there is an external power which controls everything and I have no say in it. I do not know if there is any external power but I do know that I have a say in it. But the thing about deciding your own future is that you do not want to disturb the status quo. Not cuz you can't do it but you are too comfortable in it and you have made yourself believe that this is the best thing that can happen to you. Which very well could be true, I mean how do I know if I will have the same relationship with my family, my friends, how do I even know I will get a part of the inheritance if I come out as gay, it could be anything that stops me from challenging the status quo. So I choose the easier way - play victim - search "Why am I gay". So I know that being gay is something to do with your genes, it is a natural thing and all, but then you hear about people who marry and lead "normal" lives which makes you think "Hey can I fake it, till I make it?". But then you ask , who or what are you doing that for and when you have an answer you are like, is this really what I want to do? Now the answer is both yes and no and it is a constant struggle between choosing one. Especially when the choice is between an unkown entity (love, well who knows if you find it - or if it stays for that matter) and a known entity (family, friends). There is always the argument that if they love you they will understand. But then you are asking them to fight against the thought process of the 5000 year old human civilization. If they do great if they don't - how do I really blame them? In this conundrum what I did was try to find an answer to my being gay. Yes there is this gene aspect - agreed - but then how do I know this is the only reason? Do bisexuals have the same gene structure as gays? Honestly is there even such thing as being bisexual? I genuinely believe that you will definitely be attracted to one sex more over the other. And what about the theories which say about how the children are raised? I was raised mostly by my mother with my dad not being around that much. Did too much motherly influence or the lack of a strong father figure make me gay? I have been arguing in this direction just to find an alternate reasoning which would say - it could bemy genes, it could be my upbringing, it could be some random event in the universe billions of light years away that made me gay , it could be anything but remember anyone and everyone can change if they want to and so can I. But the more I though of it the more I recollected how I liked dressing up as a girl, how when I was in school I lived watching men without their shirt on, how I would crave to watch a man in his underwear, how growing up I would fantasize about two guys making out, how I would hide newspaper cuttings of semi nude men, how I would stare at any hot man passing by or how I simply ignored the pass of any girl knowing fully well that she like me. I was always gay. Unlike few this is not something that I realized when I lived a good part of my youth trying to figure myself out, I have always known. I was never in denial, only I did not explore my sexuality growing up enough or so I feel. And sometimes I overcompensated my being gay with being manly - staring at girls breasts - making lewd comments - being sarcastic and overly aggresive at times. And I have always been in the closet - highly discreet - never picked upon - never bullied - never discrriminated against - but here I was searching why I was gay. You may argue that is because I am scared of living a closeted life and could be a step in the direction of embracing who I am or what I want to be, which could be true but the fact is I chose to live this life for whatever reason. I chose the status quo for my selfish reasons, how the hell am I then the victim? On the contrary I am the opressor onto myself. I am beating myself to accept something I do not want to for my own selfish reason. Rationalizing my homosexuality is a short term comfort I give myself to satisfy the ego of my opressor. In this David and Goliath fight I am David and I myself am Goliath. No matter what I choose to be - I win as well as lose. I pity myself but I know I deserve no pity. I will end quoting Linkin Park - "In the end, it doesn't even matter". Or does it?