The Average Gay Diary #2

Check the previous one here: http://ift.tt/1RbYdnd was on the Secondary School where I started to get closer to my homosexual side. Here in Mexico, Secondary school has three levels and children usually go at the age of 12 to 14 or 15, depending on their birthdays. My birthday is on July and classes start in August, so I started to go when I was just 12 and I graduated being 14 years old. At that time, Lauro, my brother, got married and his wife came home to live with us. She made breakfast and dinner for all of us because my mother started to work in a Factory, so she arrived home late. Rosy, my brother's wife, was a very nice and gentle person. I felt good talking to her and she could listen and she also talked to me about her relationship with my brother. I remember Rosy waking me up in the morning so I can get dressed for school. We didn't have a water-boiler then, so I had to heat some water in the stove before taking a shower in winter. While I waited for the water to heat up, I usually watched TV. There were some shows early in the morning that weren't for little kids, for example "Farscape". I don't usually like TV shows or movies about the space but this one had something that called my attention: the male white protagonist. I don't remember his name in the series but he's actor Ben Browder. Once, he was shirtless in an episode and I clearly enjoyed looking him like that, it was very strange for me to see him that I thought someone could realize I was doing something "bad". I touched myself looking at Browder's hairy chest. He created my fascination for muscle hairy older men... There was another show at that time which made me realize I was gay. It was a soap opera called "Rebelde", a remake version of the argentinian show "Rebelde Way". I was a huge fan of "Rebelde", I liked all their songs, I had all their cds and I listened to and watched them all the time I could. I was fascinated by Anahi's character "Mia Colucci", and also, I wanted to have a handsome man like "Miguel Arango" (Alfonso Herrera) in my life too. He created my high expectations in men, so I can blame him for everything that happened after this. Another element that was very important in my realization was that some of my friends came to my house often to play videogames. This was before my brother got married, so we were alone almost all the time. Once we were playing "luchitas" in bed, in this game you fight with each other but without really hurting anyone. Then, one of them screamed "Hey! someone just touched my pennis!" and we all laughed. But it was real, "Brutus" as we called this little chubby guy that was a year younger than me had touched my friend's pennis and laughed. It was not gay or weird, we all knew he was just playing. Or so we thought. Brutus lived across the street, so sometimes he came alone and we played something but then he started touching me too. I got horny inmediately and I touched him too, when I realized, we were jerking each other. Sometimes he get on me and pretended he was fucking me but he never took off his clothes. Then, the game was getting hotter and hotter. First, he pull off my pants and touched my ass as he rubbed his pennis against me. Then, I gave him oral sex until he came, but I never tasted his cum. We never really fucked, that was the most sexual thing we did. Sometimes I tried to kiss him but he got apart everytime I did it, but I could kiss his neck and chest. He told me dirty thing as he rubbed his pennis against me or when I was sucking him. He really liked it, but it started to become boring for me when he just wanted me to give him a blowjob. No more touching or previous game, only a blowjob and he went home. So, I finished that as we grew older. But I had some rarely visits from him where he wanted me to do the same and sometimes I accepted but he never wanted to fuck me. I think the last time we did something like that, I was 17 years old. Now, he's married and have two children. We talked like it never happened. I had some trouble at the beginning to accept the fact I was gay, even though I liked men like Alfonso Herrera and Ben Browder and that I sucked my neighbor's dick. First, I thought I was bi, because I felt certain attraction to women too. I believed that I could get married with a woman despite my hidden wishes for men and that I could keep it as a secret for the rest of my life, fool of me. But as time went on, I realized I hadn't have chosen my sexuality. I was gay, I didn't have the right to cheat on a woman and live a life that was not meant for me. So, I accepted myself when I was just 12 years old. But I wanted to keep it as a secret until I could leave my house and live on my own because I didn't know how my family was going to take it and I was very afraid of that. At school, things were a little bit complicated. The principal was a crazy and bitter woman who blame students from everything wrong in the school and not her stupidity as the school's administrator. Sometimes he punished us for things we didn't do and the school rules were way too strict for me, even though I never did anything wrong in some occassions they found a way to piss me off. The other bad part were my classmates, they were even worse than in elementary school. They pretended to be older than they really were. Some of them did drugs and drank beer, some others were sexual active so in my stay there I saw many pregnant students dissapearing from class. I didn't really like secondary school because of these elements, sometimes I cried when I got home, I didn't want to go anymore. Most of the teachers were people that felt good abusing from their power making low-class teenagers felt miserable, the Principal was crazy and my classmates were the scum of society. The only good thing about it was him: Agustín. I met Agustín in 6th grade of elementary school but we didn't really talk until we were on the same class in Secondary School's first year. He was upset because we both had the same grades but I was chosen as the third place in class and he was the fourth place. He approached me and said something mean about it, I got mad and told him I had nothing to do with the teacher's decision. From that day, he talked to me only to bother me and I started hating him. He was so rude and stupid I couldn't tolerate him for the rest of the year. Once, he made the teacher take my cellphone and he made my soda dissapeared. He was the worst classmate I could have and yet, I fell in love with him. He was a very cute boy, he always smelled good and eveything he touched and possessed smelled the same way. I could smell his fragance forever. He was the first person I felt something for, I was so in love with him that I did everything to be closer. We got in the same group in second grade, I still hated him for the things he did to me in the first year but I started to have this feelings growing slowly. We still fought a lot but now I did it because I wanted his attention. It was on Valentine's Day, when I saw him giving his girlfriend a present when I realized I was in love with him and that it was impossible. He was straight, he didn't even look at me as a friend. I was devastated but I keep my hope to have him one day. In third year, we were together again. I tought it had to be fate. Something must happen because we were together in the last year and one day he would tell me that he loved me as much as I did. He was a sport-boy so I watched him playing soccer everytime. He was part of a semi-professional team for teenagers so he saw himself in another level from the rest of our classmates. One day he gave me his sweater because he was gonna get sweaty and he didn't want it to get wet. I kept it close to my nose so I could smell it. It was glory... Our relatioship got better, we spend some time together and sometimes we talked as friends. I invited him to my house in some occassions but he only came here twice. And never happened. Many times I cried because I wanted him so bad and he didn't even look at me. Then, my classmates started to suspect. Maybe I saw him too much, I don't really know how they realized and once they made fun of me with that, but I was sarcastic about it like "yeah, I'm totally in love with the boy I yelled at everyday" and they shut up when they saw it didn't hurt me. Then, it was this guy that I had met in elementary school and he was one of my closest friends at the time who made me feel special. His name was Raúl. Raúl was not cute or even likeable but for some reason, he was nice with me. Sometimes he came to my house and play or he let me keep his x-box for days. He always critizised Agustín in front of me, sayind things like "he's such a jerk" or "he's not even good at soccer". Once, Agustín and me were walking together side by side and Raúl said "Excuse me" as he got between us, pushing me against some branches and then he asked me "are you okay? I'm sorry", but I really hated him for it. It was a perfect moment he destroyed. Then, he asked me to go to the movies with him to watch the new Harry Potter's movie. He payed for eveything that day and I felt so weird... I don't know if he liked me or if he was only a very nice person but it was nice to have someone taking me on a date. Now, both of them, Agustín and Raúl are married. I'm not in touch with them anymore but I know Agustín has a 4 or 5 years old child. Raúl just got married recently and he works as a cashier in a supermarket. Agustín never knew I liked him but I'm glad since he ended up getting a teenage girl pregnant and he had to work in a factory since he never continued with his education. He's fat and he's not cute anymore. These were my secondary school years, next entry I will tell you about High School...