Out of the wood(en closet): How I accepted myself as being gay.

I am so overwhelmed at the moment that I don't know which bell I should ring first.Lol okay so, hey gaybros. I'll name myself Imir for now. I am 17 years old and I come from the Philippines. I am a 2nd year Psychology student in college struggling about my real sexuality ever since I was like 7 years old. I always thought that, as a child, liking someone of the same gender isn't out of the normal grounds. I was wrong. I played mostly with my female cousins and had a very feminine family background. This may also explain as to why I became a homosexual. I thought that playing with any toy is normal. Playing with barbie dolls, with my sister's hair.. I thought they're normal until I was told that boys aren't supposed to play with things like those. It's funny how at a tender age, the world already feeds you its rules. It forces you to swallow the rules of the bible and live with it like you don't have any choice. I grew up in an overly religious Christian family, community, and country and from the moment I obtained my consciousness to this world I was told that being gay is a sin that is uncureable lest you change yourself; which is impossible. I believe that a person can never change himself. He can either go from better to worst, or otherwise vice versa. I didn't want to disappoint my family (btw, my entire family are against all things relating to being gay. They are all straight and overly religious.) I had to abide by the rules even if it was against to my liking. For the past 10 years of my school life I encountered a lot of scenarios which made me grow. Into a bent tree. I encountered girls, I went out with them, went out for a few dates and lied to myself. I forced myself to love people I really didn't feel anything at all and believe me when I say that it is sickening. I tried my very effort to stay composed and to act like a real man. But what's you is you and you can never change that. The gayness in me still wins over my acting and so at the end of the day, after having dates with my so called partners, I lock myself up in my room and fantasize about guys... (you know what I mean.) I felt so guilty that I had to break up with my girlfriend of 1 year to let her go. I was being really selfish so I had no choice but to do it.My homophobic acts, fantasies about guys continued up until now. Note that I haven't accepted myself yet in my first year in college. I had to keep hiding in my closet because I didn't want to disgrace my family. I am a first born so it's expected that I'd act as a role model to my younger siblings. I tried my best to change myself but to my dismay. I end up chatting guys online pretending that I was a girl. I know it's stupid but I just needed to do it. It's over now though.It all started sinking in just this February. When in one of my class, there's this guy who just keeps looking at my direction. I wasn't looking at his but when you're paying attention and being observant you'll quickly find out if someone is looking at you, and that's what happened to me and that guy. At first I tried to shoo it all away, my ego didn't let me entertain it. Until one day, when I was tasked to speak infront of my class for a report, the whole class just went ablazed. They went wild and started screaming my and the guy's name. The guy was really charming and attractive (for me) he was slim, and his hair is just beyond the measurement of gorgeous. This teasing thing went on and on and on. I forgot to mention that he is a senior and I am a sophomore in college. We were both psychology majors but he is about to graduate and have a job of his own. At first I thought it was all teasing until I found myself thinking about him nonstop. I was so pissed at myself because it really affected my studies. Everytime I breathe, I inhale his name. That's how it feels, lol. So I started asking my friends about him. At first they were curious as to why a guy like me is asking about a fellow guy like him and I nonchalantly asked the same question. They told me that he is already in a relationship.At that moment I can swear that my heart had broken to pieces. I thought to myself that I should just throw these feelings away. I mean, the guy is happily committed already. What good would it bring if a gay man approached him and told him his feelings of love? No matter how you look at it, it's... Not just right.My friend must've noticed my disappointment and told me that it wasn't her intention to cock block me and added that it's okay if I feel that way towards that guy. That they would accept me no matter who I am. And I was like "what the fuck are you talking about? I'm not gay." and they didn't buy it, as expected if my best friends. I finally admitted that I was confused about my sexuality because of the recent events that happened just the past few weeks. I made it clear that I haven't clearly connected the dots. That I am not yet confirming that I AM indeed gay. I told them that I was just confused and kelt insisting to them that it was normal (as a psych major, I know that it's not just a "normal" behavior.) still feeling down about the new information that I received that he was not single, I told them to never tell me who his girlfriend is for I didn't want to feel more insecure than I was feeling.They paused for a moment, and looked at each other as if talking telepathically. The bell rang signaling the end of the schoolday and I rushed home to get a rest. I wanted to get it off of my head. That it's impossible for him to like guys. It's obvious that he doesn't swing that way. I was so sad I needed to ease it by talking to my friend in facebook. She asked me when I started knowing that I was gay and I told her that I knew ever since I was a child that I wasn't normal. That I was a special case.After a few gossip I suddenly talked about the guy again saying how lucky his girlfriend is. He typed for a long time. Like literally it took her a couple of minutes to type the words "lol omg". She told me that I was too dumb not to know that the guy I like is actually not with a girlfriend, but with a boyfriend. Yeah, he is, as well, gay. My stomach started having butterflies and I felt a glint of hope.Hope.What the fuck... Hope? I was hoping. Wishing. I am seeking for a chance... With a guy?I ran to the bathroom and washed my face, looked up my reflection in the mirror and for the first time in my life I spoke the 3 most beautiful words I never thought would be so beautiful to hear..."I am gay."That's exactly when I started accepting myself.As for the guy, I haven't told him my feelings yet. I'm still not brave enough to do it, besides... He's already with someone. But if a small chance apoears, I'd take it in a heartbeat. For now, I guess stalking him is as far as I can go. I will be waiting for him.