2016. február 18., csütörtök

I'm gay. My best friend is in an adorable relationship and I love it but hate myself.

Skip this part if you don't care about the background info ** [Fuck, okay, so I'm gay. I am the point where I just 100% know. I've told my best friend and he is totally fine with it -- in fact I know everyone I know would be fine with it -- this isn't a sob story in that way at all.But I'm 20 years old and I've had 1 girlfriend (and, fuck, man, I don't even think it really counts), I've kissed 1 guy, and haven't had sex.]Okay, background info out of the way. I've got a lot of acquaintances. I don't know if I'd particularly call them good friends, but they're good people. I really do have this one best friend who I hang out with constantly and drink beer, get high, and watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia with (among other things). I've been friends with him for, like, 5 years, yeah? He's straight by the way... but, yeah, we know each other really well.Recently he's started to date a girl who is fucking awesome. Seriously, really cool. She's great at sharing stories, likes cool music, and is generally very chill.My best friend and her haven't been going out long -- only for like a month, but I have had the strangest mixture of feelings hanging out with them.(Side note: My friend doesn't come from a great home and typically hangs out at my place.)So my friend used to come over and we'd get drunk and do stupid shit but now his girlfriend comes over... and we get drunk and do stupid shit. But they kiss and look at each other with such pure happiness all the time I'm genuinely overjoyed to see my friend who struggled with depression be this happy. I literally smile by just looking at them together.But there's a weird cloud of loneliness constantly over my head at the same time. It invokes such a weird damn combo of emotions.I've been hit on by tons of girls myself, and I know if I was just fucking straight I could have a girlfriend too. It's incredibly damn frustrating.But no, I just have to be gay so I need to get a "boyfriend" to feel any sort of romantic satisfaction... and it feels weird for me to say that.(Related side note: Boyfriend ironically seems like such a weirdly feminine term to me. Gay friend to have sex with, get shitfaced, and be romantically invested with each other is my desire. Someone smarter than me should make up a cooler sounding name for it.)TL;DR So yeah, my mind whirs between happiness for my other friends love, frustration of not being straight, and loneliness.I don't know why I'm even writing this here. Does anyone relate at all? Does anyone even give a shit?

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