Not a Rainbow Life.

Hello everyone. It is about 5am here. Tomorrow is my exam. Can't sleep. And I have something to say. This is my first post on this sub-reddit. It's gonna be a long and hard one. Also, English is not my first language. Please be gentle.I am 22 years old guy from Europe and for a year or two now I am really struggling with my sexuality.I have always knew I was gay. And I was always very fine with it. I skipped the whole "not accepting myself" and "dating girls" part. Just always knew who I was and was very proud of myself and always positive and optimistic about it. Even when I was closeted I always tried to defend LGBT community when I heard someone is saying bad things about it. And believe me, I live in a place where almost everyone is homophobic. Been bullied a few times but I am very strong. Volunteered in a local LGBT organization for a short time. In a place where even gay guys are homophobic I was a kid that was a beacon of reason. I would say, and my friends would agree, that I was VERY optimistic and chill person. One of my friends said "Every time I see you, you make my day better". I was just that one guy that was always positive. Had a lot of dreams of carrier success, travels and beautiful romance.And somehow, In the last two years everything changed.At this point of my young life I became so dark, sad and hateful. (yeah, another sad and hateful gay guy, judge me, I can take it) Beside the fact that my educational goals (going to American college), career dreams (making it in a music industry), love life dreams (having one) are crushed because nothing of it ever came true, The worst thing is the fact that I really despise being gay now.Why?Well, I have never, ever, been attracted to another gay guy. Ever. Live, on TV or internet. All my crushes were heterosexual man. I know str8 crushes are a common thing but I think my brain is taking it to the extremes. No matter how much I know, or don't about the guy, It always turns out that he is str8. I was in love once and that guy was my str8 friend from high school. No matter how masculine gay guys can be (and some gay guys are really masculine) I just do not get that same energies from them. I am just not attracted to anything gay man have to offer as a potential partner. This is not a auto-homophobia or not enough acceptance, It's just a personal preference. I don't know what it is, I did not chose to have such a taste for man, It just so happens that str8 man have something that gays don't (and vice-versa). I met MANY gay men, had dates, long talks, dinners, going out, friendships.... doesn't matter, It is just not IT. Can't get joy out of it. Can't feel attracted to any of them. But unfortunately when I meet a guy somewhere (faculty, pool, coffee shop, hanging out with friend, gym...) and I am really attracted to him in every possible way - It is always a str8 guy. Always.So, I am still waiting for my first boyfriend. First relationship. While everyone around me is in a relationship or is getting out of one I am still waiting for my first. It is kinda depressing.Even worse thing is that gay sex is gross to me. (TO ME) Gross in a way that toping is not attractive, fucking guy in the ass, and smelling that weird smell of ass+lube. No matter how clean he is. Just the fact that it's the ass... man, I lose my hard on in about 5 minutes. And when you bottom... man, just a HORRIBLE experience. Nothing enjoyable about it. Just a constant, horrible pain. Feeling like you are endlessly shitting. And it's dirty. I don't wanna see shit. And I don't want to have to put hose in my ass to clean my insides few hours before every time I want to have sex. I love man. And I am very sexual. It's just, anal sex is not a good experience... but I need sex. I think about it all the time.All the sex I had, I had just because I was horny. I felt regret after every sex I ever had. A lot of time I would watch heterosexual porn because I find penis + vagina part very beautiful and str8 porn actors are so attractive.When I get sad or lonely I go to YouTube, as I am sure lot of you do to, and try something from this world to cheer me up or something that I can relate to. Looking for gay vlogs, "What Would you Do" vids with gay scenarios, gay couples, songs........... but I just can't find a gay couple or theme that I can relate to. Everyone loves that couple Mark and Ethan...And I just don't care. It looks so good but feels so alien. Gay culture... all those divas, pop, bars, fashion, denials, hate... I really can't relate to any of it.The fact that I live in a very homophobic country where we don't even have Pride parades is just a horrible bonus. It's so dark that I don't even like going out anymore. I spend my time in my room playing video games, watching reality TV, hanging out with my cat and working out.I can't even find some in my community or online that has same problem as I do. I can't find YT clip or some article that talks about this... Most gay people love every part of gay life and enjoy it.... love, good sex, happiness is a common thing for them... but for me, every day is a battle. Every time I wake up I feel sad that it is just another day of nothing. Most people will just not understand because they don't walk in the same shoes, will say that there are bigger problems in the world or will just judge me and say that I ask for too much.In the last two months I started thinking about the extremes. I started thinking of changing my sex. Maybe If I was a woman everything would be much better. And the crazy thing is, I don't want to be a woman. I'm not trans. I like my manly body, I don't mind being man... but, you know.I just don't know what to do and I don't think there is much to do. Maybe I should try my best to find little bit of happiness in materialistic part of life. I don't know.I don't know... Am I alone in this, can someone relate?Life is going to be hard for me.I am lost.