2018. február 1., csütörtök
Learning to love myself
Here's me in a nutshell:Grew up in a very religious family of fundamentalists. "Love songs are bad, trading cards are bed, God hates fags." I was sickly, poor, frail, and sheltered, and they were the people I most interacted with growing up.I have always known I was attracted to men. It wasn't until I was 18, though, that I first thought of using the word "gay" as a possibility for me.But-- the religious impulse was too hard and too dominant to ignore. I had always believed, at the back of my mind, that my existence was something monstrous, that I was too fat, too ugly, too unworthy. Guided by my strong religious impulses, I forced myself to abstain from sex. Until very recently, I have been sexless for more than a decade.2017-- my major depressive disorder took a turn for the worse. I had been living on my own for 2.5 years. Nothing made sense to me anymore, and the realization that a large chunk of my life is gone and will never be restored to me is killing me.The gay friends I have are all at the top of their game. They have sex everyday, with up to several men even. Some of them are religious (what I'd call standard bearers, too-- long story). All of it is making me even more depressed and killing whatever self-worth I have left.I have been seriously tempted to kill myself in the last month. I am almost 30, and am completely maladjusted and feel so hopeless and angry.What can I do to get out of this vicious cycle? I want to see a therapist, but I'm too poor to afford one. Am a loner, really, and don't really have deep friendships. I feel very lost right now.
I’m typing this with my hopefully future boyfriend asleep on my chest. Whilst listening to Toto’s Africa
Maybe I’m being overly hopeful. Maybe I’m Maybelline. We met on Grindr, he came over and We put a Movie on Netflix, I don’t even remember which you one, we talked through the whole thing. We made out! Like kissed, deeeeply. I’ve never really done that with a guy before. It felt so Fuckin right. He got along with my cat! THAT ASSHOLE HATES EVERYONE WHO ISNT ME!!! He’s asleep on my chest right now. I’m typing this over his head. He snores so loud, but I think it’s so cute. I’m so happy right now.Edit: okay actually the snoring is now making me want to murder him...he’s lucky he’s fucking cute.
Falling for a straight guy
For the third time I fell for a straight guy. The storyline is the same for all three guys. We will become friends for a random reason, spend so much time togother, talk about things that I don't normally share with other guys, he will start showing "extra" care for me and then it will hit me. Am I falling for this guy? Is it possible that he also like me? Why is he doing these things a normal guy friend would not do to his close guy friend? Should I ask him? He knows I'm gay. He knows I've been through this. So, why?
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