Learning to love myself

Here's me in a nutshell:Grew up in a very religious family of fundamentalists. "Love songs are bad, trading cards are bed, God hates fags." I was sickly, poor, frail, and sheltered, and they were the people I most interacted with growing up.I have always known I was attracted to men. It wasn't until I was 18, though, that I first thought of using the word "gay" as a possibility for me.But-- the religious impulse was too hard and too dominant to ignore. I had always believed, at the back of my mind, that my existence was something monstrous, that I was too fat, too ugly, too unworthy. Guided by my strong religious impulses, I forced myself to abstain from sex. Until very recently, I have been sexless for more than a decade.2017-- my major depressive disorder took a turn for the worse. I had been living on my own for 2.5 years. Nothing made sense to me anymore, and the realization that a large chunk of my life is gone and will never be restored to me is killing me.The gay friends I have are all at the top of their game. They have sex everyday, with up to several men even. Some of them are religious (what I'd call standard bearers, too-- long story). All of it is making me even more depressed and killing whatever self-worth I have left.I have been seriously tempted to kill myself in the last month. I am almost 30, and am completely maladjusted and feel so hopeless and angry.What can I do to get out of this vicious cycle? I want to see a therapist, but I'm too poor to afford one. Am a loner, really, and don't really have deep friendships. I feel very lost right now.