So close to giving up.

I'm so done with this living bullshit. The only thing keeping me from killing myself right here, right now is my game/movie backlog (Which thankfully is in the thousands but I just want to complete it to a satisfactory degree) and my delusional thoughts of "Hey, I might still have a chance with Eric".My family's money is drying up as we speak because my dad quit his job to start a dream guitar business that hasn't done much of anything for us because he keeps not fucking focusing on the business (I've begged him at this point to give me a goddamn job somewhere in this thing and of course he just replies "One thing at a time buddy" or some other excuse as to why he's not focusing on the business that we're solely relying on for finances and instead going out and playing music with his friends that are just as dirt poor as we are), I potentially have testicular cancer (I've been feeling a lump on my left ball for a while now. Can't wait for this fucking shit to send my family into bankruptcy and force me to sleep on park benches and work at McDonalds just for a fucking can of beans) and of course the whole bullshit with Eric. I've already written a lengthy one on him over here if you give half a shit.Eric breaking off from me really sent me down this hole as I stated in the post I linked but I'm not going to take a shit on him and bury his ass, this was 100% on me. Sure, blocking me without a word after I brought up family issues was kind of a dick move but I'm not entitled to anything from him and hell, he treated me better than my mom does so that's already a plus in his book from me. I just haven't been the same guy since then across the board. It hurts knowing that you're crazy and desperate for a way out of your shit home life and you've brought that upon somebody who deserves way better than you in their lives. I'm tired of being a burden on other people. I'm tired of deep down knowing what people really think about me after a conversation. I'm tired of watching my parents close the walls in on my life and try to keep me in this prison cell of a room for the rest of my life just so I can take care of them until the day they die even though that just means I'll have to hear my mom screaming at me every single day for at least another 30 fucking years. I would rather die tomorrow than have to deal with that shit. I'm tired of watching my friends go away, become a shell of their former selves due to drugs (A friend of mine tried to get me into weed after me and Eric broke off) or booze or get stuck in the same type of shit I'm in. I'm tired of knowing that the men I really care about will never, ever feel the same way. I'm tired of living. I just want to start screaming and tossing stuff at the walls, I can feel all that bitterness that's grown in me over my life consuming the living shit out of me as we speak. Why am I even bothering with this damn post?Before you say anything, I'm so fed up with hearing "It gets better!". I've been hearing that line of bullshit for as long as I can remember from my father and it's never changed. It was a lie, a candy coated dream that exists only in the land of Make-Believe that people attach onto a stick and dangle out in front of you to prevent their egos from feeling bad about you feeling bad. It's a simple, catch-all line that I've seen every thread use for years and years and it makes me so damn mad. At this point, the only thing that would in the long term really make me feel better was if Eric came back even if it was just to talk, it'd be nice to have a friend in a high place. Somebody who gives half a shit that I'd really enjoy to talk to, y'know? My really close IRL friend is in a dump right now so it's not like I can tell him "Hey, it gets better" because it isn't any better for me so it'd be cool to have that sort of beacon of hope at the end of the tunnel. I know that he has an alternate "anonymous gay" (He isn't very good at hiding it. When I first saw it, I easily ID'd it) but trying to contact him through there by myself directly seems like fucking suicide, I don't want my friends to get involved and try to save my ass because I don't want them to potentially catch heat over this and understandably nobody on Reddit wants to get involved with my personal life because nobody gave a shit to begin with, I'm just on here to ramble. I'm probably just being too scared to say something, I wish I didn't have to be this fucking afraid to come back into somebody's life. I wish I could get somebody to do it for me but like I said above, ain't happening. I just need something to live for, goddamnit. I can't think of anything longterm that's a decent enough excuse to live, Eric was the last damn thing. It hurts a ton just thinking about it.Fuck. I'm just so.....dead inside. What am I even here for anymore? It takes me several hours just to get out of bed when I wake up. I feel like I have no cause in life and the causes I'd want are so improbable that I'd have better odds at winning the lottery. I miss you a whole ton Eric. I miss being a kid, not caring about where my life was headed. Yes, I'm desperate. Yes, I'm crazy. There's almost nothing that I'm not willing to do to get a second chance at life.