2018. május 9., szerda
I still miss you, Eric.
WARNING: Super long post incoming. This is several years worth of weight that I need to get off my chest. Brace yourselves. I will not TL;DR this shit because I don't think I can accurately describe everything that has gone on and how I feel about it in one or two sentences.Now, as much as I'd like you to read this someday, I'm not going to be bold enough to tag your Reddit account because it's very sparsely active and I wouldn't be allowed to show you this on any other platform for reasons I'll mention as this goes on. Not to mention how your Reddit account has personal identifying info and I'd rather not have somebody witchhunt you over what I'm going to say. I don't hate you even after all the shenanigans. I hold you in higher regard than my own family (I know that's not saying much) and if for the sake of argument you were to message me again for help or whatever, I'd be right there on the spot. Who knows, maybe when I eventually kill myself, one of my close friends will be able to identify who I'm talking about and send you this years, if not decades from now. I just wish I had a way to give you this but it seems like every route has been blocked off so I guess my only choice is to make my thoughts public knowledge. If you ever read this Eric, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me because this was almost all on me. Here goes:My story began in 2013 on an older and now deleted Reddit account. I tried digging up more info on this account but all that pinged on Google was two mentions of my old username way back in the day and nothing more so there isn't much more I can tell you beyond fading memories. I was a closeted (I'd say bi with male preferences but frankly, I don't know for sure) early teen at that time with fucking nobody to talk to because my mom is a verbally abusive (And former physically) drunkard that would've amped her treatment of me up considering that she's homophobic as hell if I mentioned my interest in boys and my father enables her behavior, I've mentioned instances of her abuse countless times to my father only to get responses like "Blood is thicker than water" and "You can choose your friends, but not your family", enabling her behavior simply because she's family/he was desperate enough to marry her. My friends at that time were all either rednecks or hardcore Christians (Simply because nobody else would talk to me due to how public schooling treated me. I've split off from that crowd overtime because I got sick of their shit and found better friends. Hey Kyle, if you're reading this, you did a real nice job at fucking your life up at age 17 when you got a girl pregnant and engaged her sorry ass before you were even out of school. Even with all my shit, at least I'm smart enough to realize how badly my life is fucked meanwhile you're still riding on that honeymoon thinking you're with the "love of your life" while pretending to be a daddy while you're still in school. You're a fucking dumbass and life is going to knock the hell out of you before you even know it. I know I shouldn't laugh at other people's misery and I feel bad for the baby girl but there's just something about this that makes it feel karmic because he jacked a shitton of my vidya geamz back in the day. Go fuck yourself, Kyle. /rant) that probably would've lynched my ass if I even dropped hints that I liked guys. The only place I had to go to was the Internet, the last bastion for all of the outcasts of society including myself.I commonly lurked /r/LGBTeens when I was first discovering my sexuality. Not posting, just watching conversations blossom, support videos and of course selfies from guys WAY out of my league. Overall I think it was a very positive experience and something that I really needed to see at that time because 2013 was the worst year of my life and May 5th, 2013 (How funny, May 5th is Eric's birthday) was the specific day where my life changed forever negatively. My mental state was never the same after some serious family drama went down. I became a lot more paranoid and I got a lot more worried about my friends for whatever reason (I'd be constantly checking on them to make sure they were okay), I had trouble going to bed at a proper time for years out of fear, tons of other shit that I still haven't fully recovered from because I can't get a proper therapy session for a lot of reasons (No money, no transport, when I'd get therapy in school, Mom would monitor the sessions so I'd just have to play dumb and pretend to be better by the end of it). I really needed something like /r/LGBTeens at that time. It gave me support and showed me that I'm not alone, nor am I a freak for liking guys.Here's where Eric enters the stage. I met him on the sub back in 2013. He posted some selfies to the sub and wanted support because he was getting bullied at school, getting called fat and ugly and of course "the f-word". My God, he was the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life. Sure, there's a lot more objectively attractive people but in my own mind, he's perfect. Perfect eyes, hair, body, lips, list goes on. Somebody honest to God should've beaten the everliving shit out of me before I discovered this guy because you know what I did? I saved the damn picture he posted and kept it as motivation to get out of bed in the morning considering how dark of a place I was in at that point. I really needed something to hold onto and the idea that "Hey, I might escape this shit one day and date a dreamy guy" really motivates a bi/gay man.Years go by, I keep checking in on him via his Reddit profile when I noticed in December 2016 that he posted a YouTube video that he created. I clicked on and I noticed that he was using his full real name as his YouTube username (He already had his last name as his Reddit username. Go figure). I just thought "Whoa, this is my chance out of this hell".Am I desperate? Yes. Am I crazy? Yes. But at that point, what else did I have to lose? My family was and still is trying to isolate me from the outside world, my friends are too stoned to help me (Oh, we'll come back to that) and nobody online gave a fuck beyond spouting the same meme lines over and over again like "It gets better" (Again, we'll come back to that). At that point (And still is), it was "Well, what's the worst that could happen".His name isn't super common so just a simple Google search brought me everything. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, you name it, I had it. I noticed that his Twitter was public, so I said fuck it. I had a twitter account that was barely in use (In all honesty, I hate Twitter as a platform. It's former 120 character limit choked out all meaningful discussion to where it just because a sentence or two of worthless tat that just gets blurted out into an empty room unless if you're famous. At least on something like Reddit I can yell about something and get yelled at back. If it weren't for Eric, that twitter would still be dead) so I might as well play the game, y'know.I learned a lot about him by just poking around his social media. He's an Eagle scout, three years older than me (But in all honesty, I don't really give a shit), in college as we speak for nursing and he seems to be pretty well respected in his circle of friends. Not only did he seem like an outstanding person appearance wise, but he seemed like a great guy to get to know. It seems obvious that a guy who's been in the Boy Scouts for that long would have a lot of interesting stories to tell.So when he'd post something depressing, I'd try to cheer him up in a reply. When he'd post something uplifting or a joke or something, I'd like it. All I wanted to do was open up a man to man conversation with him through PMs or something to try to get to know him. I was trying to bare minimum build a bridge so that I have friends in high places (I was doing this with a bunch of other people, it'd just be nice to have somebody not in my state. Right now locally we have a crew of 3-4 people depending on how college pans out, just to work as a safe haven but the problem is that none of us are really ready for adult life but at least I have the excuse of my parents) in case shit goes down hard with my family (My dad has been having blood pressure related health problems. If he goes, we're doneso). Did I like him more than a friend? No shit, Sherlock but even just achieving the bare minimum of having a potential gateway out of this Hell would be fine by me.Months would go by, I wouldn't get responded to. It wouldn't make me upset, however. I felt like even if it went unnoticed, I was still trying to do my part in bettering his life ever so slightly and that's what really mattered in my mind. With that being said, I'd still try to open doors for a man to man convo. Friend request on Facebook to no avail, along with trying to PM on Instagram (I made an account just for contacting friends via an Android emulator. I don't actually own a smartphone simply because I'm not allowed to). Hey, honesty about my desperation is the best policy. Not only did I think that I was better about myself than I had in years. It was really a mentality of "If I can't live for myself, then I'll live for him", I thought so low of myself prior that I could just barely motivate myself to get out of bed and face another day. After I got the idea that "Hey, I might stand a chance with this guy", everything started changing inside my head. I got off caffeine (I had a nasty addiction prior. For a few years I wouldn't last a day without 3-4 diet sodas. For any current addicts out there, it's hell on earth for the first 2-3 days with no caffeine but once that's over, you're fine so QUIT), fixed my sleep schedule, started exercising and stuck with it for almost the entire time I was in contact with him (Only time I didn't was in the winter months where it just became too damn cold and slippery to go walking everyday comfortably, though at that point I'd just load up Wii Fit U and do a few of their jogging in place exercises per day to where I could barely breathe), taught myself how to shave through a WikiHow tutorial because even after begging my parents countless times to teach me, they'd never bother and I didn't see a real reason to until Eric brought up that pedostaches are disgusting which is sadly just about what my facial hair grows to. I guess I'm just better babyfaced and I tend to agree with that sentiment! I lost like 15-20 pounds (And gained muscle, of course) over that summer and I never felt that good about myself in my whole life. I had a reason to get up in the morning beyond just doing what I'm forced to for the first time in over half a decade. It felt so rewarding to be taking so much better care of myself than I have in the past because there was a light at the end of the tunnel.Finally, something happened. January 2018, he posted a boyfriend application (Exact one, by the way) for people to fill in his DMs. He was single, has been for a while, I've seen him complain about being single on Twitter, so on and so forth. Here's the catch though, I noticed that his DMs weren't public (I could tell because he didn't follow me). So I queried him and said something along the lines of "Well, if your DMs aren't public, why not just DM the guys that you like?". Then, finally after all this time, something huge happened. He DM'd ME, it was unthinkable to me prior that he'd take the time out to do that, even after the many months I've tried to start a convo. He wanted to know who I was and thus I answered honestly, told him where I met him, gave him my real name (Though my Twitter name was just a play on words of my real one at that time, so it makes sense), I wanted to be as upfront as I could with him. I told him about my family issues and he was decent enough with talking to me, though I talked more than he did but I tend to do that with a lot of people. I was born a ramblin' man, as the song goes.However, I needed to go all in on this. I was and still am at a point where I can't afford to go "Oh well what if this happens and it fucks me up" or "What will people think", I filled out the damn application. Yes, I knew it was stupid. Yes, I know I'm crazy, obsessed and desperate. Yes, I am aware that this probably killed my ass but considering my position, I needed to take every opportunity I could get my mits on. I had two options, either take a big risk on this or just let myself succumb to this bullshit at home and die. It seemed like he was genuinely looking for somebody through that and frankly I've seen way stupider shit in my time so I just said fuck it, my odds are slim but I can't win if I don't try. Didn't get anything in response to that application but I thought "Hey, it was worth a shot". Next morning, some bullshit goes down with one of my cousins on my mother's side, he's a big time tweaker in this area and he's been in and out of jail more times than I can fucking count. I think he put down my Dad's name on some medical bills and thus the insurance company came calling for us over it but I'm rambling. Considering that Eric still talked to me a tiny bit even after the application shit (Yay, I didn't completely fuck everything, right?), I greeted him in the morning and asked him if he was open to venting about it. I was blocked without a message in response social media wide. Twitter, Insta, Facebook, you name it, just completely blocked off without a word.I was crushed by this. When I realized what just happened and how it wasn't some kind of server-end glitch, I felt pretty much every negative emotion you can feel within the span of a minute or so. I felt sadness and guilt, contemplating if I should've even tried to begin with, that I wasn't worthy of being in contact with a guy like him, that I was a complete waste of his time even when I was trying to help. I felt anger, feeling betrayed by this man after a year of effort to try to bolster his life and mine at the same time with how he just threw me away without a word, like I meant absolutely nothing to him or this world in general even after a year of talking. Most of all, I fell back into my depression. The once unbeatable, unstoppable me in 2017 got wiped on January 11th of this year.Now? It takes me a few hours just to get out of bed, I can just barely motivate myself to take my daily walk, let alone workouts (I've noticed that since January, I skip more days than I need to with daily walks), my sleep schedule went to shit again (It's currently 3:35AM and I'm up writing this monolith of a post) because I simply don't have it in me to give a shit anymore, I got back into overeating sweets and other junk to cushion the pain, my mental state keeps getting worse across the board and my depressive/suicidal thoughts are back. I'm a complete wreck compared to what I was back in 2017.You know what I've learned? No amount of overeating/drinking, partying with friends, vidya geam all nighters, movie/TV (I've been specifically binge watching old Simpsons and Stephen King adaptions, by the way) binge watches and shopping sprees fills the hole that the one you love leaves in your heart. Hell, I had some old friend try to pressure me into smoking some weed even though he knows that I want to keep myself the fuck away from shit like drugs and booze because I know that I'll wind up just like my mother if I do. He kept egging it on, "C'mon man, you'll forget all about that fuckboi once you try it" (Even though he's currently depressed as hell and dealing with relationship bullshit himself) and "Playing vidya while you're high is so fun" and the crazy thing was that I was tempted, meanwhile a year ago I would've just told him to get the fuck out of here with that shit. How much do you want a bet that he'd give me a taste, try to get me hooked on it and then start selling it to me? This town has a serious drug problem and I hate watching a lot of my friends turn into addicts over this shit. I feel so used, how a friend would just waltz right in and try to take advantage of me like that at an absolute low point.At this point, I don't really care about life. My parents are trying to isolate me so that I'll wind up having to take care of my mom and dad when they're too old to do it, just like how their parents convinced them to do that so my life will completely revolve around them if I don't get the fuck out of here soon and the biggest door out of here just shut on me. I don't know where else to go from here when my parents won't help me with my driver's license (And I can figure out damn well why, they just don't want me going "Fuck this shit, I'm out" one day and taking off. They keep putting it off but I can sense what's really going on). I just want to get what's achievable off my bucket list and then off myself, but I want to do it creatively. I don't just want to be another name that stuck a twelve gauge up my mouth, I want to be "The legend of the man who killed himself by unicycling out of a skydiving plane in a chicken suit". If nobody is going to remember me while I'm still living, I might as well be remembered in death. My bucket list is still a ways off from completion so who knows, I might last another 5-10 years until I decide that enough is enough. I doubt it given how things are going though, I don't know how much more I can take of living in poverty in a verbally abusive environment where my existence is just to serve as a caretaker for somebody who publicly hates me. That's not living, as far as I'm concerned and I'd rather be dead than take care of my narcissistic mom for the rest of her days.People have told me time and time again that "It gets better" but I just don't believe it anymore. I've been told that since I was less than half my current age from my father. How everything would be okay, school would get better, this modified trailer dumpster fire of a house would get fixed up, how he's going to have a guitar shop running so I won't have to worry about a career, how Mom will stop abusing me and it hasn't happened even though he's been saying this for over a decade. I've only gotten more and more bitter as life has gone on. I find it insulting when people tell me that shit because they don't know the full extent of the damn hole I'm in at this point. I have parents that want to keep me anchored to this house (They hold my ID card, I don't have transportation or a cell phone so no real contact to the outside world besides the internet, etc), I live in the poverty line, shit for education so good luck getting into college (Even if I could, how would I pay for it?), friends are moving on with their lives as they get older meanwhile I'm still stuck here, list goes on and on. It's either I found an escape route out of this house or I might as well kill myself. It doesn't get better for me.If you're out there Eric, I really miss you more than anybody else. Even though we seem to have ended on a burned bridge (At least on your end), I'd absolutely adore seeing you again someday. If I'm dead by the time you hear this, I want you to know that I forgive you for blocking me and you deserve a lot better than some damaged goods like me. I hope that you see this while I'm still among the living (Who knows, maybe somebody in this thread can deliver it somehow. Lord knows he won't take it from me directly), like I said, it'd be wonderful to see you again. You mean a lot to me, more than my own family as you can tell by my story. You're the one guy in my whole life that I've tried to "start stuff" with and given how much of a rut I'm in right now, you might be the only one ever. I'm sorry if I've bothered you too much, I'm sorry that I'm desperate for a way out of this hell, I'm sorry that I'm obsessed with you. None of this was your fault, this one is on me. The only time I got agitated was when you blocked me out of nowhere without telling me if I was annoying you. I find it hard to pick up on social ques like that and that shit really hurt me because I just kept asking you in my head "Why would you abandon me when you know how bad it is here?". I'm not going to Nice Guy™ this shit, I'm not entitled to anything from you, let alone a relationship. I'm not mad at you for not putting me in the front of your line, I just wish that we could've had more time together. I'll say this though, when I found your social media, I made a promise to myself to never treat you the same way my mother treated me even with all of my bitterness about life and everything that goes with it. My past doesn't justify being shitty and thus if I ever treated you like how my mother has hit me when I was young and verbally abusing me every goddamn day for years, I'd kill myself because I don't deserve to live at that point.Goodnight, Eric. I should be off to bed now. This was an absolute titan of a post and probably the longest I've ever done on Reddit by a longshot that took several days of typing/mental strength to pull together. I hope you're reading, but you're probably not and I doubt anybody would want to go through the trouble of finding you to give you this. I still care about you and always will. Just know that you'll always have a place in my heart. You're 21 now (I didn't forget about that birthday!) and I hope you have fun now that you have even more privileges coming with that age.
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