so as a transwoman i spent a lot of time in my youth thinking i was 'just' gay, and i have a lot of shame about submission and being attracted to males

the sound of men's voices are probably attractive to me, but i have such a reaction to react negatively, if that makes sense? like i think i would enjoy attraction to the sounds of men's voices (and other such things) if i wasn't raised to say immediately to myself that its wrong because its weak/submissive/etc and i wouldnt immediately feel what i think is shame. its hard to say what im feeling.i was just watching this overwatch video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT-VwsOIvR4 of 'critical health sounds' and i thought well this all sounds sexual, mind in the gutter as usual, and i got a feeling i hadn't felt in awhile, which i think is attraction, to some of the men's voices (and of course to the women too--i say of course because, yknow, heteronormativity is probly deeply ingrained in me, but ive always told myself im attracted to women, and its apparent when i appreciate the beauty of women--but i dont know if my attraction to women and to men are the same types of attraction--which is why i think im bisexual, but im tangenting from the question im trying to ask).so yeah, men's voices give me a very visceral reaction that im uncomfortable with. women are generally raised to be more submissive, and i find it kinda problematic but hard to refute that in sex, women kindof naturally take a more passive role. i mean in "natural", essentialist and judgemental sorry, in reproductive sex, women are the receivers, and to me that is kindof shameful i guess? i have a lot of shame associated with feeling vulnerable, and that's what i think this is, and i dont really know where to go from here. i thought it would be easier once i came out as a woman, but i have shame there too, it kinda bothers me how women are more able to be vulnerable and seem to have--well--this video explains what im trying to say, women have built up defenses that i dont have, im not good at being vulnerable emotionally without feeling used https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_WDugKPnlkmy thoughts are all over the place sorry.