St8-bi-happy 1st post to have a voice

I'm here to share my story, vent, support and feedback. I'm 26 I grew up in an environment that suppressed my sexuality and I was always afriad of being gay in my mind. I always knew I was different no so much sexually early on but just mentally and emotionally being male. Reflecting on my early life any thoughts or fantasies I considered gay I rationalized as normal to feel and not voice or act on. Even the way I felt around certain friends. My dad got me into racing at a young age and I excelled it was outside of school and normal social activities. Growing up he was afriad of me getting a girl friend and losing focus on racing. I already had an excuse not to date and never had a big desire to other than to fit in as I got older. I had so many girls who had a crush or chances that I just never had the balls or desire to act on. I had a step sister my age, at 14 she was the first girl I experimented with never sex but innocent exploring. My "first" official kiss came from a truth and dare with a family friend at 16. One of my racing buddy's found out I was a virgin at 18 and suprised me with a girl who came over one weekend to take it from me. I saw my first dick when he pulled it out and told me to do the same while she sucked him only bc I wouldn't take her in the room by myself. Eventually he left us alone and she got on top of me we fucked maybe 5mins I thought it was cool but over rated and I felt bad got scared and pushed her off and slept on the floor.. funny thinking about it now but then I considered myself 100% striaght, that yr for prom my good friends date from a private school had a friend for me bc I didn't ask anyone. Understand I was a very good racer with support to go pro and masc so none of my friends ever asked or gave me a hard time about my sexuality. It was only me being hard on myself after I graduated that I needed to date and have sex with lots of girls bc I wanted the status and approval. I dated the girl I took to prom we had lots of sex she went away to school I fell for her put racing on hold and moved to be together. She was the life of the party and popular with the guys (jocks) and didn't hesitate to crush my heart. Away in a new town and alone I tried to step up and be the man party gym and friends. I noticed i didn't have the initiative or drive to get girls like most guys, I was jealous and hard headed I made excuses and hung out with the guys. Being horny at 19 makes your mind focus what spikes your interest and I noticed the cute guys that made me nervous, fearing erections in gym or around my roommate but knew I just needed a GF. One day I heard some friends talk about a dorm over a few guys got walked in on while in bed together. My mind was on fire with curiosity and thoughts for weeks after I was jealous and confused. Fast forward I hooked up with 4 or 5 girls until I found one who fell for me and had a baby.. turning point... looking back I had always had odd fantasies, 12-19 jacking off with something in my ass, wearing sister's panties thinking ect I just refused to explore anything gay. After being with this girl and having a baby boy I was happy but knew without a doubt something was not right. I told her and we explored I found I was really submissive sexually I liked my ass getting attention ect. She only went so far it got old. If get home shower and jack off and not have sex. I started to openly explore my sexuality, gay porn googling (alot) browsing craigslist, dildos, butt plugs. Everything reinforced that I was missing out on who I was, then I met a guy who posted bi curious looking for gym buddy and I went for it.. it was taken slow, it was easy it was exciting I was in over my head. After a few weeks he started to make the moves, I was nervous I was unsure but I couldn't say no. The way he touched me and the desire in his eyes I melted. He took me to his place and the moment my shorts where off and he lifted my legs over his shoulders and pressed against me I knew my life would never be the same. We spent the next 3 months together, I experienced more in that time sexually than i knew existed. I was a bottom I was submissive I loved dick I loved being admired given attention feeling sexy things I would of never known like kissing a guy body hair and being totally open and vulnerable with an amazing guy. I was head over heels. Then I found out he's moving to Washington being in the army.. I was more lost and confused than ever. Broke up with my gf never came out to anyone, started cross dressing and thinking I'm transgender I felt guys wouldn't like me being a guy I wish I was a girl and life would be easy. Rough time I met some guys but nothing like him and just sex nothing real. I was depressed over a yr, then I started dating girls again and found a good career and convinced myself It was all a phase. I'm emotionally attracted to girls I though or find a girl who is into strap on and dress up. Soon I went to striaght mentality and started playing the game sleeping with lots of girls breaking hearts showing family and friends i was normal just a stud. Every 2 months I'd relapse into an extreme, straight, gay, trans for a yr. I dated a girl for 6 months and I couldn't put on the show any more, I wasn't attracted, no sex drive if I did I had to imagine I was fucking a guy. I told her everything I cried I laughed she became my best friend and helped me accept myself. Life was good for 3 months I stayed with grandparent and worked. A month ago I get a message on Facebook and it's him! My first my best the one who got away. He says he misses me (we talked off and on over 2yrs) wants to see me, catch up, and the big one he wants to date me. He's in closet also but he said we had a special connection and he can see himself being with me like it's meant to happen. He's visiting 2 weeks, I saw home 3 days ago we went on a nice date and talked all night. He wants me to more to DC with him I told him I'd like that but have to think about it. I'm trying to get to the point of this entire post bc I'm about to see him again tonight. It's almost to good to be true but I fell for him long ago and dreamed of this day and never never thought it would happen or that he like me so much. I'll add comments to explain parts I rushed or jumped around on. But I'm about to see him wish me luck. Anyone who responds thank You!