Help! I've avoided being gay for 15 years and now I'm taking female hormones in some bizarre attempt to escape it.

I've been questioning my sexual orientation since high school. I was a scrawny kid, different from all my peers. People used to call me gay and f*g, but I didn't accept it, and tried to act tough. My whole life was an act.A few times when I got high with male friends, I felt some kind of attraction toward them. I repressed that. Most of my experiences smoking pot in social settings after that were very uncomfortable. I was hyper-conscious of my behavior and of not wanting to be perceived as gay. I became paranoid that everyone knew I was gay and they were all in on some big joke at my expense, and I felt so ashamed. It was terrifying. This has been a recurring theme every day for the last 15 years. It has been a living nightmare. I had a couple mental health episodes -- once when I was 18 I had a panic attack where I realized I was gay and thought I was going to die, and suppressed it. Later when I was 22 I did a lot of drugs and had a mental breakdown and I was convinced everyone knew I was gay and was waiting for me to come out. I eventually did come out to everyone a few years ago, but it made no difference in my life. I've been in relationships with women for most of my life, and I've never dated or kissed a man. I still can't bring myself to do it. WHY??? Now, after exploring my femininity for 5 years, I started taking female hormones and thinking maybe I'm transgender. I'm happy when I wear women's clothing and get called "ma'am". Way happier than any other times in recent memory. But I don't believe I'm transgender. Probably not. I think it's just another attempt at avoiding being a feminine gay man.It's like I have two personalities -- one is this sad, angry, hurt, masculine gay person, and the other is an incredibly loving, sensitive, and gentle feminine person.Sometimes the feminine part seems SO female that I could not possibly be a gay man. I have long hair and wear dresses and dance sensually in a way I've only ever seen certain women dance (think belly-dancing). I've never seen a gay man do that. I know this is not normal. Most people don't have this kind of severe repression and denial of being gay for 15 years, especially in 2017 when there is so much more acceptance (at least in the cities in America where I've lived).I grew up with the idea that being gay and being feminine were basically the same. Maybe my fear was not just being gay, but being gay AND feminine AND sexually submissive. It's a deep fear and I don't know how to face it without dying or going insane. I've been in plenty of therapy. Multiple therapists have told me they don't think I'm gay. I don't know why they said that. It's been incredibly challenging and confusing. How can I move forward? I can't keep living this way. It's too painful.