Being ugly

I just am feeling really sad right now and wanted to vent. I'm gay (lol) and I'm 22 and male and I just....don't....fit in. (by the way I realize that 22 is quite a young age to be predicting some of the things I do and you could argue that I'm just immature, and that may be, but if my life continues even vaguely down the path it's going down now, which it has a very very good chance of doing, what I'm saying is accurate) A lot of people believe that gay men are super nice and are super flamboyant and fun but in reality they are really just quite catty and nasty to each other. An interesting thing that a lot of people don't know is that flamboyancy is a huge turn off to other gay men. If you have a lisp or are flamboyant ain't nobody gonna fuck you, unless if maybe you're 18 years old and have a perfect body. And I'm just sort of...naturally a bit on the flamboyant side. But I'm also really ugly. And while I realize that having a sexually repulsive personality and an ugly face/body doesn't necessarily mean I can't find someone (surely some creature out there could put up with me) the reality is....I don't even want other people. Does anyone else feel that way? Where you know ugly people end up finding each other all the time and so you know you could find someone but really you can't even put up with people. So really I don't know why I'm complaining or why I'm sad. I've embraced that nobody with an interesting/good personality let alone good looks is ever going to be interested in me. I've realized that while I'm an ugly cow I still have stupidly high and completely unrealistic rules of how I want a partner to be and I realize that I'm too shallow/stubborn to change that. Like I know I'm going to die alone without ever once in my life having had a boyfriend. I know I'm going to die alone regardless if some acquaintance I have tells me otherwise because they feel like they have to say that in order to be nice when in reality they agree. I know I'm going to die alone regardless of what any therapist I could potentially go to would tell me or what pills they would give me. I know I'm going to die alone even if I do really try to put myself out there and meet people. I mean I'm ridiculous. I'm not overly bright. I have microscopic genitalia. I have absolutely zero sex appeal. And even with those things I could probably find someone if I was open to other people, but I'm not. Nobody is good enough for me either and I'm not sure why. Perhaps I judge people as harshly as I judge myself. Anyway, I could lose weight but I'd still be hideous...albeit I would be skinny and hideous. Though to be honest I hope I die from a heart attack when I'm 45. I refuse to commit suicide as long as I know people are here which would be quite saddened by that, although if they weren't here I would do it right away. There's so much more to life than having a relationship - I get that. But really I just find life to be difficult and a slog and it's so long with some interesting things here and there and a sprinkling of high points which I'm sure I'm destined to have my fair share of. And most everyone realizes that about life if they admit it or not. But they fill up their life with physical pleasure and flitting around from person to person and dating and whatever to make it less bleak. I'm never going to have that. I should just accept it. I try to just accept it. But sometimes it just makes me really sad. Anyway sorry for the melodramatic and long post. Just please if you're still reading this - feel free to relate but just don't try to tell me I'll find someone/there is someone out there for me/etc. There isn't. Like....I know that. Let's just move on