I'm gay and I hate myself.

I'm 21, fourth year social work. I'm gay, sure I know. I hate every bit about me being gay. No one knows, and I have so many people talking of how terrible gay people are and their choice of life. I never choose to be gay, had I knew the button I would be so straight. I act straight and have a big problem having friends. Coz I have to speak down on gays yet I envy those open gays coz they did what I think would be my last day on earth if ever someone knew I was gay. I tried dating girls, it failed terribly, even tried different race. I'm not attractive and don't wear good clothes the only thing good about me is my grades. I hate my life so much the whole week last week till yesterday I binge drank on whiskey daily drunk. It's has gotten to that point.