I'm having such a hard time coming to grips with being gay. Holy shit. [tragically long post]

First off, this is a throwaway, if that wasn't painfully apparent by the username. I actually know the username and password to this account though, so any advice is welcomed.Long story short, I had a crush on my best friend when I was a kid. I brought up the idea of us "being gay together." Other kids overheard, called me faggot and etc, threw things at me, bullied me, etc. We were young, kids are cruel, whatever. But it was horrifying as a little kid trying to figure life out.Years later [middle school or so], I had a couple experiences with a buddy of mine. Other folks found out, bullying and violence and etc. Started doing drugs heavily at like 12 to try to cope, teenage years crushed by addiction, whatever. This isn't really a sob story.Around that time, my sister found my [absent] father online and made contact, I was 13 the first time we spoke, ended up going to visit him. He is just fucking unfortunately southern, and of course I wanted to have a solid relationship with him, so I took a real shot to the pride when he would rant about how "faggots are ruining america" and etc.When I was like 23, my neighbor [an absolutely gorgeous drag queen] and I hooked up after a night kickin' it with a bottle of wine and a Newcastle mini keg. It wasn't surprising, it wasn't shocking, it wasn't bizarre. It felt natural and comfortable, though we did not have sex, just passed out together after heavily making out. We were drunk as fuck, and I fuckin' dare anyone to drink half a bottle of wine and half a pony of Newcastle to follow through. Morning came, we kissed and she went home. I was horrible to her after that. I avoided her like she had fucking leprosy, and I'm almost 100% certain I gave the impression that I was disgusted. In a way, I was, but it was with myself. If you haven't picked it up by now, I'm an incredibly sexually and emotionally repressed person, and I couldn't handle it, so I haunted bars for a few weeks after and went home with strange to convince myself that I had made a disgusting drunken mistake, that I was straight, and that there was absolutely no way I could possibly be gay.These days, I'm 26. I'm an extremely aggressive musician, writer, drinker, I skate, etc. I live with my girlfriend that I love dearly, but I can't fucking run from this anymore. I'm still attracted to women, but I can't get past my own discomfort with my sexuality, and most of all, my dishonesty about it - specifically with myself. I'm totally distraught over our relationship because I just know at some point this is going to come up, and it's going to break her heart.I guess what I'm trying to ask here is why is being gay so fucking difficult? My own inability to cope with my sexuality is fucking ruining my life and pushing me to destroy myself, and I can't stand it.