Anxiety over top or bottom

This subreddit has helped me figure out that more likely than not I am internally repressing my homosexuality despite the fact that I call myself gay and willingly look at guys... Thank you anti gay and sex-negative up bringing! But that's one thing killing my sex drive. that's killing my libido, IM GUESSNG (I never want sex, but I can look at porn and be fine... Not healthy) I feel anxious over where I'd be during sex, and if I'd be able to please my partner (forever alone :3)Why do I feel anxious over top or bottom? I have no idea, probably because I feel a lack of identity or purpose because of a number of things. The fact that I never have the drive for real guys makes me worry about it on top. I guess it's easier said than done to get rid of roles in a relationship.Its weird, because when I cum, I like instinctually give in to certain things based on my position. If I'm laying on my back on my bed or something, believe it or not, when I cum, the fingers of my left hand will automatically rush towards that area underneath me between my ass and my penis and stimulate it. On other occasions with stronger orgasms, the fingers have gone up my butt too.However, if I'm standing up or upright in some fashion, I'll start humping nothing as I cum... all from within. Very strange. The strength of it varies with the strength of my orgasms. I always always have stronger orgasms while upright, every one of my best orgasms has been this way, though prostate stimulation does indeed feel very good. Even with it though, stimulating my prostate never feels as good as when I cum standing up. Maybe it's a position thing, not sure. Do any of you guys have stronger orgasms in different positions?I'm not sure how I can get rid of this, and I also want to get rid of this internalized repression and finally be me and enjoy myself! Any ideas on what I can do?