Close to darkness

Almost 24 now, elementary school I lied to bestfriend in 5th grade that I had sex with a girl in middle school in hopes of bringing up the topic of me and him i guess. he told a "friend" that blackmailed me thru 6th grade with a lie ...highschool i started throwing my feelings out to friends who could never return them. I turned to porn...when I started college I struggled with applying myself as I had in past, also socially strugglingwas not ready to wake up to roomate having sex within the first 2 weeks and getting involved with the first guy that was convenient and unstable. I began seeing a counselor and after awhile decided to bring up the fact I was watching child porn. The counselor was newish and called in his sup. I was naive at the time and honestly never considered getting reported for talking about my addiction. I get a call over winter break saying "through a process" I had been reported to police. 9 months later I'm starting 5years probationwith a deffered sentence. Got my first job as a dishwasher during this time. Took me 6 months of monitered job hunting to get that job after burning through grandma's inheritance during that time. Treatment really drove home the point to feel the guilt about that. I'll throw this all away by not talking openly enough in groups and was unable to pass any of the expensive polygraph tests. End up taking the prison sentence with a conviction and 10 years on the registry. I was extreamly lucky that I was not abused in prison. I did get called out on my status here and there, spent time in my own cell for awhile. When i finnaly got to facility and moved from regular population asking for my papers to the health pod/faith pod/ "gay pod" unit... I thrived, I made friends, played games, read more, worked out and built myself to a new high, meet my first serious romantic intrest. lost my virginity. We became cellies. Celebrated my 21st over a cookie/cherry coke cake with peanut butter and m&ms on top. It was simple and I was happy. I even feel like it got cut too short.offensive thought isn't it, what about my family I got out and did a short stint of parole. Now I'm out and lost. Never feel like I had the time to make therapy work. Unhappy with the simple labor jobs I have to take with my record but unconvinced I can make it if I go back to school for something I won't be passionate about. I'm a creative guy in general, love the abstract/surreal parts of life, I could get lost in it or a nice pair of headphones/quality speakers and chest pounding bass...Got into a 18month relationship with someone I met online soon after release, adorable inexperienced guy. He grew way too attached and I knew I could never return that feeling. He attempted while we were together but he had attempted before we meet aswell. I was in the process of losing my job due to it getting bought out and dismantled during the end of relationship. Now we're separated on good terms and I'm unemployed drinking my time away because I don't smoke to keep a clean UAcop out right?Just in case.... but I'm not seriously job hunting... not fooling around or exploring my sexuality...not seriously learning... not traveling or going out to party... I feel the urges to go back to porn... but I know It won't be so pretty the 2nd time around nor do I want porn forever. I'm isolating and I can feel it. I don't have the courage to put myself out there anymore. I'm living in a paranoid bubble of self doubt pissing the days, money, and my health away. I have a issue with myself not being able to top. I don't get aroused easily. I don't want another guy in my life to sit there waiting for me to let him screw me. I'm not comfortable with casual sex. But romantic intrests isn't what I need right now, hard news i need to hear? Unsure about a lot....feels like I'm throwing another big pitty party for myself. how can I see sex in a positive light and not something as it being a reason people use eachother? I resent sooo much in my life and in others. I need to let go. I need purpose. I think I have trust issues. Along with a flair for the dramatic. Feedback? Criticism? Positive words for a young gay sex offender? I'll be happy if it's just an entertaining read for somebody out there.