What am i?

Growing up I've always been really artistic. I had a very immense background in imagination. Lost and confused of what I wanted to do, there was times that I would look at myself and love me. When I was in the 2nd grade there was a kid behind a curtain that whistled me over, he told me to grab his penis, I asked why and he said because it felt good. I felt awkward, a little embarrassed but nonetheless forgot the moment. I was raised conservative my family didn't like homosexuals. I was never warned about sexualities until I was 16 but as a 2nd grader my mind was in the abyss.When I was in the 3rd grade my mom would drop me off at her best friends house. Every night for 2 years my moms friend son used to touch me, he said if I didn't say anything I wouldn't get in trouble. He taught me how to masturbate, how to kiss and touch him to feel better. I wasn't attracted to him but he was 16 and at the time a role model. I didn't enjoy those nights, he would tell me that he enjoyed waking up hard. I would touch him till completion! I was in the 3rd grade! I didn't know better.I learned later that he just used me for his pleasures. I'm disgusted, just thinking that. As a teenager I became more flamboyant, my mother made assumptions about me and questioned my sexuality but I wasn't really interested in W/M. In high school everyone would ask me "Are you gay" or "How does it feel" I never understood why everyone labeled me. I decided to act gay just to irritate everyone and my parents but it didn't go so well. I lied to everyone and myself because stress caught up to me. I fought my emotions, I would force myself to date men, perform sexual favors to satisfy myself but I would ultimately feel disgusted. Overtime my parents quit being conservatives and became liberals because acceptance is far more important.When I reached 18 I decided to pursue women, I thought that if I tried it I might like it. I moved away to Sacramento to find closure and get out of a negative situation. I joined job corps and started well but I began hanging out with bad apples. I started using drugs and having aimless sex. I considered myself bisexual because I tried both and it wasn't fair to tell girls I never been with guys. I began a 9 month relationship with a woman that was 8 years older than me, I was happy and I loved having sex with her. We had to end our relationship because she was committed to another man.I fell into a deeper hole, out of spite i decided to fuck guys. But I didn't enjoy it, I just wanted pleasure but I never felt the same when I was with her. I began feeling confused and distraught because I didn't know what I wanted. I was forced to be into a relationship with a gay drug dealer, I wasn't into him but he manipulated me to have sex with him. I didn't know he was HIV + and I was risking myself by being with him. I tried leaving but he wouldn't give me the choice.I tried leaving once, my friend at the time saw me and I was paranoid (I was under the influence of meth) I said I wanted to leave and because I said that someone in the group thought I had called the police. They planned on murdering me, I saw the hitmen and their guns but my life was saved by a sober man. I left the abuse, he told me never to return and I didn't go back. I felt into depression and paranoia, I kept going to the doctor checking my blood to see if I had the virus.I had placebo symptoms, I scared myself into thinking that I was positive. For 3 years I was positive I wasn't going out, I was single and paranoid. I left the life of a gay man and started a heterosexual life. I dated women but I wasn't attracted to girls or guys. I was just into myself7 years later I'm HIV (-) I've taken various tests and I'm clear. I made decisions in my life that could of change me personally and physically. I'm drug free, got my shit together, been to many therapists and found clarity in myself. I work in a bad ass agency, I make awesome money and comfortable in my body but still confused about my sexuality. I don't know what I want, I'm lost and feel like I'm going to be single for the rest of my life and I'm ok with that.I just wanted to share my life, I feel like everyone is so judgmental that I just keep it to myself.