Heavy ass post, sorry in advance, don't know what my sexuality is at 21 and I seriously need help?

Is it normal to feel incredibly depressed and upset following masturbating to gay pornography and incredibly elated when masturbating to straight porn? I don't know if I'm gay/bi and I'm 21, never been in any real relationship. I used to think I was straight as I don't think I find guys attractive, but for the last 6 years or so I think sex might be appealing (but then again I don't know if it's just the thrill of watching a porn that feels forbidden). I want to go to some kind of club to see how I feel there but the thought makes me feel depressed and sick. I don't know what to do anymore, it's really getting me down and I hope people here might be able to give me some advice. I look at women and I think I'm attracted to them but what if I'm just envious of them? I don't fucking know anymore. Fucking embarrassing post but I don't have anyone else to turn to anymore. I've never had sex, because I've been dealing with anxiety about this for the past 6 years. Maybe I'll just live a loveless life, get castrated, live a sexless life and never have to deal with these complex emotions 😂